Parents, Kids and Time Alone

“What are some of the ways in which you explain to kids that mom and dad need time alone, without feeling guilty about it?” A journalist, writing an article on having time alone and couple time when you have kids, asked me this question.

 

Parents will feel guilty only when they believe that they are doing something wrong by spending time alone and couple time without their children. This is a false belief.

 

The truth is that children grow up far healthier emotionally when their parents are happy and fulfilled, even if it means that their parents spend less time with them. When parents understand that they are being good parents by taking loving care of themselves and their relationship, their children will understand this.

 

One way of helping children understand this is to introduce the concept of “time alone” very early in a child’s life. By the time a child is three, he or she can easily understand the concept of time alone. If, each time you spend time alone with your child, you say, “This is our time alone,” your child will begin to understand the concept. When you have time to yourself, you can say, “This is my time alone with myself.” When you spend time with your partner, you can say, “This is Mom and Dad’s time alone together.” Parents can tell their children, as soon as they are capable of understanding the words, “We need time alone with you, with each other, and with ourselves. All of us need to respect this about each other.”

 

Our three children fully understood the concept of “time alone” because we spent time alone with each of them. They came to understand and respect at a very young age the need for time alone.

 

If you put yourself aside and don’t spend time with yourself and with your partner, you are giving your children unhealthy role modeling. You are teaching them that others are always responsible for meeting their needs. You are teaching them to feel entitled to your time and attention rather than helping them learn to respect others’ time. You are teaching them that it is okay to demand that others put themselves aside for them, which may create narcissistic behavior.

 

Healthy parenting means finding a balance between being with your children, being with your partner, and being with yourself. For your children to grow up taking responsibility for their own needs and feelings, they need to see you taking responsibility for your needs and feelings. Constantly sacrificing yourself for your children does not role model personal responsibility.

 

Children need to experience you and your spouse enjoying your time with each other, as well as with yourselves. They need to see you pursuing your work, hobbies, creativity and passions in order to understand that they also need to find their passions. If you are always there to meet your children’s needs, how can they discover who they are and what brings them joy? Always being there to meet your children’s needs for entertainment creates a dependency on others rather than finding these resources within themselves.

 

Many people grow up not knowing how to be alone with themselves. Because they were either always in front of a TV or being entertained by their parents, they never discovered how to “play by themselves.”

 

Of course it is very important to have enough time alone with your children. But it is equally important to have enough time alone with your spouse and with yourself. When you understand this, you will stop feeling guilty about taking your time alone. When you no longer feel guilty, your children will learn to stop guilting you and respect your needs.

 

 

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Yahtzee - an Educational Game?

Education can be "hidden" in a lot of toys and games.  When you think of educational toys and games for your children don't overlook some of the obvious ones.

 Today we will talk about Yahtzee, most say it is all in the luck of the roll.  That maybe true but there is some logic involved as well.  Do you use four ones for your four of a kind or do you try for sixes instead.  Do you go for your large straight when you have a 2, 3, 4, 5, or do you try in when you have a 1, 2, 4, 5?

 But besides the logic there is basic addition.  Learning to count by 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's, and 6's.  Then of course you need to total up the score.

 The game of Yahtzee doesn't take long and even if you are playing with a younger child that cannot add up the final scores just the exposure to counting by 2's and 5's for example will help them understand math concepts later on.

 Yahtzee is also great because it doesn't matter how many players you have, and you can even play by yourself and try to top your best score.

 Then you must not forget the sheer pleasure of spending time with your children doing something enjoyable.  Children flourish when attention is spent on them.  You don't have to plan an expensive trip to the amusement park to spend quality time with your children, just doing something that is enjoyable to both of you and giving them your attention is often enough.

 Start your children young introducing them to different concepts such as addition, reading, etc.  Young children love to learn and you will most often find a willing pupil that is excited to learn new things, especially when it is their favorite teacher instructing them, you.

 Your Personal Parenting Style and Your Child’s Sleep

 Good mothers and fathers come in many styles. Each one of us has different strengths, interests, and values that make us a great parent. Don’t let yourself become discouraged or disappointed when others ‘give you advice’ that doesn’t seem to mesh with who you are. Maybe you’re not a roll around on the floor kind of parent with your child.  Maybe you’ve decided to hang back and let your little one explore. That’s great! As long as it works for you and your child, nobody should be able to convince you that your method is incorrect or wrong. Once you recognize and embrace your own personal parenting style, you can stop trying to live up to everyone else's expectations and get on with the business of enjoying being a parent.

 It’s important to keep in mind too, that these well-meaning advice givers don’t know your child as well as you.  They aren’t there with your child night and day, watching him grow, learn, explore, play, eat, and sleep.  Only you know what’s best for your child, and you know what works best in your household and for your lifestyle.  As with anything, figuring things out along the way will involve trial and error. 

 So when you receive yet another unsolicited piece of advice regarding your child’s napping or nighttime sleeping habits, keep both your and your child’s personal style in mind.  You’ve done the legwork, you’ve experimented, and you’ve learned together what works and what doesn’t work.  The cues should come from your instincts regarding your child and from your child directly.  There’s no such thing as a hard-and-fast rule for sleep habits among children other than it is needed! As your child grows, his cues may change, but as long as you stay in tune with him, his sleep habits shouldn’t have to suffer as a result. And neither should yours.

 

Do You Know Your Parenting Style?

Want to be a better parent? Knowing what your current parenting style is will help you identify your needed areas for improvement. Promoting the self-discipline and self-esteem of the children in your family often requires an emotional juggling act by you as a parent. It is not easy to be firm and demanding with a child one minute, then warm and affectionate the next. This is an ongoing education process both for the parent and for the child. In addition, many adults naturally have personalities or temperaments that predispose them toward one parenting style or another.

 Authoritarian Parenting

 Parents who tend to overemphasize the discipline side of the equation are referred to as authoritarian. Authoritarian parents are demanding in the worst sense of the word. They are intimidators, requiring obedience and respect above all else. They become overly angry and forceful when they don’t get that obedience and respect. Their love and acceptance appear totally conditional to the child. They do not teach or listen to their kids or explain the reason for their expectations, which are frequently unrealistic. They often see their children’s individuality and independence as irrelevant or threatening.

 Research has shown that authoritarian parents tend to produce children who are more withdrawn, anxious, mistrustful and discontented. These children are often overlooked by their peers. Their self-esteem is often poor.

 Permissive Parenting

 Parents who overemphasize the self-esteem side of the equation are referred to as permissive. They may be warm and supportive, but they are not good disciplinarians - even in the privacy of their own home. They make only weak demands for good behavior and they tend to avoid or ignore obnoxious behavior. They seem to believe that children should grow up without any anger, tears or frustrations. They reinforce demanding and inconsiderate behavior from their children and often find it easier to just give in to their child's demands. Their love and acceptance are “unconditional” in the worst sense of the word, for they set few rules or limits on what their children do.

 Research has shown that permissive parents tend to produce children who are more immature, demanding and dependent. These children are often rejected by their peers. Their self-esteem is often unrealistic and hard to interpret, for they often blame others for their problems and misfortunes.

 The Authoritative Parenting Model

Parents who are able to provide for both the discipline and self-esteem needs of their youngsters are referred to as authoritative. They clearly communicate high—but not unrealistic—demands for their children’s behavior. They expect good things from their kids and reinforce those things when they occur. They also tend to give more positive encouragement at the right places. When kids act up, on the other hand, authoritative parents respond with firm limits, but without fits of temper. They are warm, reasonable and sensitive to a child’s needs. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage growing independence.

 Authoritative parents tend to produce competent children. These kids are more self-reliant, self-controlled, content and happy. They are usually accepted and well-liked by their peers and perform better in school. Their self-esteem is good and they report having a happier childhood experience overall.

 Where Do You Need Work as a Parent?

 Logic and research, then, support the idea that children need both firm discipline and emotional support to grow up psychologically healthy. After reading the descriptions of the parenting styles above, if you found that you leaned too much toward the demanding, authoritarian style, then you need to work on the warm, supportive side of parenting. You need to have more fun with your kids, listen better and dole out more praise. If on the other hand, you leaned too much toward the permissive style, you need to work on establishing clear rules, setting limits, and confronting obnoxious behavior. Need to modify your parenting style? Start today!