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The pressure of single parenting and blended families

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Dr. Gabor Maté: Consequences of Stressed Parenting

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Parenting Tips - How to Discipline Children

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"Parenting The Teenager"

by goodlifegarden

There comes a time in most parents' lives when they run up against a formidable wall called "The Teenager". Opposed to anything that might be considered rules, many teens go through a period of utter rebellion. Why?

If this were your first time in parenting teenagers, it would be crucial that you are armed with enough information so as to prevent encountering clashes of conflict that is common to occur in this kind of situation. The most essential key to your desire of easily parenting teenagers lies in the communication line that you have with your son/daughter. Thinking how you can achieve this? Listen. Yes, listening is one effective way in order to encourage your teenager to talk about what is inside their heart and mind. Let them feel that you are a good listener and not a meticulous critic that is always out there to pinpoint their flaws and reprimand them on what is wrong and what is right.

Nancy Van Pelt, author of the book ‘Train up a Child', says that normal rebellion will always lead an adolescent to a mature life. This constructive time period, she adds, will assist the teenager in shedding childish ways and developing independence. One should always remember that the teenager remains a novice in coping with his or her own feelings as well as coping with a parent's feelings and reactions. A teenager always has vast mood swings which a parent should learn to adjust to. During the normal phases of rebellion you may expect your teenager to challenge your authority by talking back to you, arguing with you, testing rules and curfews, questioning religion, rejecting long-established family values, changing his or her normal style of wearing clothes and the music he or she listens to. If a parent shows patience while his or her child is finding himself or herself, the parent will be able to work out a relationship with his or her child.

Parents, Kids and Time Alone

“What are some of the ways in which you explain to kids that mom and dad need time alone, without feeling guilty about it?” A journalist, writing an article on having time alone and couple time when you have kids, asked me this question.

 

Parents will feel guilty only when they believe that they are doing something wrong by spending time alone and couple time without their children. This is a false belief.

 

The truth is that children grow up far healthier emotionally when their parents are happy and fulfilled, even if it means that their parents spend less time with them. When parents understand that they are being good parents by taking loving care of themselves and their relationship, their children will understand this.

 

One way of helping children understand this is to introduce the concept of “time alone” very early in a child’s life. By the time a child is three, he or she can easily understand the concept of time alone. If, each time you spend time alone with your child, you say, “This is our time alone,” your child will begin to understand the concept. When you have time to yourself, you can say, “This is my time alone with myself.” When you spend time with your partner, you can say, “This is Mom and Dad’s time alone together.” Parents can tell their children, as soon as they are capable of understanding the words, “We need time alone with you, with each other, and with ourselves. All of us need to respect this about each other.”

 

Our three children fully understood the concept of “time alone” because we spent time alone with each of them. They came to understand and respect at a very young age the need for time alone.

 

If you put yourself aside and don’t spend time with yourself and with your partner, you are giving your children unhealthy role modeling. You are teaching them that others are always responsible for meeting their needs. You are teaching them to feel entitled to your time and attention rather than helping them learn to respect others’ time. You are teaching them that it is okay to demand that others put themselves aside for them, which may create narcissistic behavior.

 

Healthy parenting means finding a balance between being with your children, being with your partner, and being with yourself. For your children to grow up taking responsibility for their own needs and feelings, they need to see you taking responsibility for your needs and feelings. Constantly sacrificing yourself for your children does not role model personal responsibility.

 

Children need to experience you and your spouse enjoying your time with each other, as well as with yourselves. They need to see you pursuing your work, hobbies, creativity and passions in order to understand that they also need to find their passions. If you are always there to meet your children’s needs, how can they discover who they are and what brings them joy? Always being there to meet your children’s needs for entertainment creates a dependency on others rather than finding these resources within themselves.

 

Many people grow up not knowing how to be alone with themselves. Because they were either always in front of a TV or being entertained by their parents, they never discovered how to “play by themselves.”

 

Of course it is very important to have enough time alone with your children. But it is equally important to have enough time alone with your spouse and with yourself. When you understand this, you will stop feeling guilty about taking your time alone. When you no longer feel guilty, your children will learn to stop guilting you and respect your needs.

 

 

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Parenting Styles

The most difficult job in the world is to be a parent and it's the one job that no one does any training for. New parents get tons of advice from family, friends and experts in the media. All this advice is sometimes contradictive and it's very confusing. Sometimes, you just have to follow your own instinct. After all, no one knows the child like his or her own parents. If a strong bond is forged between parent and child in the early years, the family will survive the difficult teenage years, which will surely come. Parents have different parenting styles when it comes to the thorny issue of discipline. Debates rage on which methods are the best.

 

One of the constant arguments is over corporal punishment, to smack or not to smack. Smacking was commonplace when I was a kid and it was part of life. It was probably overused and some parents did it out of habit, rather than as a well thought out strategy to instill a sense of right and wrong. I tended to be smacked when I was being a nuisance rather than for the times when I was actually doing something bad. It was an unthinking response of the older generation, a lot of the time. Sometimes, it was calculated of course, and more like going to the Head Teacher's office to get the cane. The next generation started to question parenting styles and a lot of people rejected smacking altogether.

 

If smacking is outlawed in the home, what can replace it? There are different measures, which parents employ, according to their choice of parenting styles. Stopping TV for a week or two is one way, or grounding a child may do the trick. It's really a mercenary act of getting them where it hurts. Some kids will prefer a quick smack to being grounded and not being able to see their friends. Sending a child to his room doesn't seem to work like it used to. These days, children's bedrooms are full of the latest gadgets and home entertainment centers. It's not exactly a place of punishment or quiet reflection!

 

Parents are very busy people, running a home and holding down jobs. It's tempting to give in to children's demands when you come home exhausted from a day at work. Kids can sense weakness and know when to strike! Parenting styles may have relaxed over the years and no one wants to go back to the Victorian severity when children were seen and never heard. However, it's important that we don't tip too far the other way. We don't do our kids any favors by giving in to their every whim, and what they need most of all is our attention.

 

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Parenting Groups

Parenting Groups

 

We all know parenting is hard, though some moms and dads refuse to admit they have any problems. When the going gets rough, it’s always good to have someone to talk to about your problems, and to get advice from those who have already been through what you are facing. Parenting groups were designed for just this reason, and you can find them online in great numbers, and you may also find them in your community. No matter what parenting throws at you, there is someone out there to help you out. If you can’t find any parenting groups near you, you may just want to start one yourself.

 

There are parenting groups out there for everyone. You can find ones that are full of moms nearby, or you can chat with parents from around the world. You never know, you may find some of your closest friends this way. Parenting groups also tend to cater to a certain age group. Many groups are sectioned off so that parents of young children know where to find each other, and parents of rebellious teenagers know where to post to find the most support. No matter what problem you are facing, there is someone who has been there, and they may have the best solution for your problem.

 

There are also parenting groups in your community and online that deal with very special issues. If you have a special needs child, you have a whole host of issues that some other parents may not have been through and cannot fully understand. Any parent can keep you company and offer you compassion, but the real help comes from other parents with special needs children. They may offer you information you may not have found on your own, as well as teach you coping skills to help you and your family to deal with your unique family situation.

 

You can also find parenting groups for conditions and problems. If you have a child with a medical condition, there are other parents just like you out there who are more than willing to offer you support and guidance. If you have a teenager who has a drinking problem, or who keeps running away, there are parenting groups out there just for you. It won’t take you long to find them, and you will be glad you did. Sometimes having someone to talk to helps, even if they can’t solve your problems for you.

 

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Few Tidbits for Parenting

New parents face many problems and issues that they are expected to understand and deal with immediately.  Unfortunately, newborns do not come with an instruction book so here are a few topics that you may need to know about. 

 

* Bathing your baby:  Until your baby’s umbilical cord falls off one to two weeks after their birth, only give her sponge baths.  A cotton ball or cotton swab dampened with alcohol can help to dry the umbilical stump or follow your pediatrician’s directions.  After the stump falls off, you can give him a bath in a sink or shallow tub. 

 

* Caesarian delivery:  A caesarian is usually performed to make delivery safer for you or your baby.  C-sections can be done for many different reasons including stalled labor, complicated labor, problems with the baby that may make delivery difficult, or other problems.  It does not matter if you deliver vaginally or by a caesarian section, you are still a mother with a beautiful new blessing.   

 

* Circumcision:  Many doctors agree that there may be some benefit to circumcision, but it may not be absolutely necessary.  It may help to lower the risk of urinary tract infections and eliminates just about any chance of penile cancer.  Circumcision does not cause long-term emotional problems for your child. 

 

* Crib death (SIDS):  Many studies have been done regarding SIDS.  Although the cause of SIDS has not been definitely defined, there are some correlations that have been made between SIDS and the following things: 

 

o Male babies are more likely to die from SIDS than females

o Prematurity makes it more likely

o Minority children are affected by it more often than non-minorities

o More children of young, single mothers die from it

o Children who live in a home with one or more smokers are more likely to be affected

 

Some people say that sleeping with your baby can reduce the risk of SIDS, but the American Academy of Pediatrics disagree with this statement and go on to say that there is a greater risk of SIDS in babies who co-sleep. 

 

Back sleeping is what most pediatricians recommend for babies to decrease the SIDS risk.  The reason for this is widely debated between health experts.  If you have concerns, talk to your pediatrician. 

 

 

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Do You Want Your Children to Be Like You?

There is an old saying regarding children: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Whoever coined this phrase didn’t know much about children. Children often do not “do as we say.” We are the role models regarding how our children learn to treat themselves and others. We are the role models regarding whether or not our children learn to take personal responsibility for themselves – physically, emotionally, financially, relationally, spiritually, and organizationally.

 Do you avoid responsibility for your own feelings with substances, activities, or with shaming and blaming behavior toward yourself or others? Are you always late and is your desk a mess? Do you eat poorly and lack exercise? Are you always in major credit card debt? Do you lack a relationship with a spiritual source of love and guidance?

 If you want your children to be on time, then you need to be on time. If you want your children to be healthy and fit, then you need to be healthy and fit. If you want your children to be honest, then you need to be honest. If you want to raise happy and peaceful children, then you need to role model how to be happy and peaceful. If you want your children to have high self-esteem, then you need to learn to treat yourself and them with kindness and caring. If you treat your children with caring and respect, but your children experience you shaming yourself and treating yourself as if your feelings and needs are not important, there is a good chance they will learn to disrespect themselves as well.

 For example, Martin grew up in a family where both of his parents were high achievers and made tons of money. But his mother was a highly judgmental woman and his father was always unhappy and worried about something. Is it any surprise that Martin does well financially, yet is constantly judging himself and others and is often agitated over minor things?

 Angie grew up with a mother who was totally devoted to her. In Angie’s mind, her mother was the ideal mother – kind, compassionate, and always ready to listen to Angie and help her with her problems. Her hardworking father was also a kind and caring person. Yet Angie has a hard time taking loving care of herself. She ignores responsibility for her own feelings, does not feed herself well, is often judgmental toward herself, and has a hard time getting things done. She is constantly seeking out a man to fill her up and make her feel worthy. How did this happen with such loving parents?

 While Angie’s parents were loving to her, they were not loving to themselves. Angie’s mother used food to avoid her feelings, and was always giving herself up to please others. In addition, she could never quite get organized and was always late. Angie’s father spent his life working hard and using the TV to avoid his feelings. Neither of Angie’s parents role modeled personal responsibility for their physical and emotional health. Angie was shaped far more by how they treated themselves than how they treated her. In fact, because they treated her so lovingly and treated themselves so unlovingly, Angie grew up believing that it was others’ responsibility to love her and fill her, rather than her own responsibility. She grew up being needy and demanding, rather than personally responsible.

 Do you want your children to be like you? As a parent, it is very important to take a look at what you are role modeling for your children – not only regarding how you treat others, but how you treat yourself. If there are certain values that you want your children to have when they grow up, they are far more likely to have your values if they deeply respect you. And they will not respect you if you do not treat yourself with respect. It is highly important, if you want your children to be happy, healthy, and personally responsible, to be a role model of happiness, health and personal responsibility.

 

... And she pushed them, and they flew! More inspiration for control freak parents

You cannot catch a child’s spirit by running after it.  You must stand still, and for love it will soon itself return. 

 -Arthur Miller

 

This became evident to me several summers ago, when I spent 6 weeks suffering with a severe case of hives all over my body.  When the itching first began, the only way to find relief was to lie absolutely motionless.

 

My kids, who are delightfully self-entertaining, went about their business for the first few hours, checking in on me occasionally to see if I needed anything.  As the day wore on, they realized that I was a sitting duck.  They set up camp on my king size bed, and we proceeded to have some very deep and thought-provoking conversations. 

 

I doubt these interactions would have occurred if I had been my usual productive and bustling self.  I probably would have interrupted the quiet time that was necessary for their questions to emerge in order to jump up and fold the laundry before it wrinkled. 

 

I hardly ever sit still when I’m healthy.  There’s always so much to do.  Hives taught me lots of important things ... not the least of which is that the world will not collapse if I don’t hold it up.  Sure, I fell behind on things.  For the first time in my life I left phone calls unreturned, and dishes in the sink, and laundry wet and wrinkled for days. 

 

But the sun continued to rise and set anyway.  I didn’t lose any friends due to my poor response time.  And my kids learned how to take care of dirty dishes and clothes.

 

My son is a budding chef, and he had lots more freedom in the kitchen when I wasn’t there telling him what to do or how to do it better.  He was so proud to serve us the delicious meals he had prepared.

 

I’m sure you know where I’m going with this.  Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is drop out and let them experience their own competence.  My kids blossomed during my down time.  I think it was really great for them to feel needed and important; to make a contribution to the family that really mattered. 

 

Yeah, it’s sad that it took a nasty case of hives for me to realize that I was not giving them enough opportunities to experience their own competence, but so be it.  Now I know.  These are true confessions of a compulsive caretaker.

 

Testing my lessons learned, I asked my son if he would fix a towel hook that had fallen off the wall.  He seized the mission with zest, gathering all his tools together and tackling the problem with great concentration.

 

I stayed busy elsewhere in the house and left him alone.  I’ll never forget the look on his face when he came to tell me the job was done.  Not only had he fixed the hook, but he had even cleaned up the mess and put all the tools away!

 

I’ve realized that the best way to love my kids has changed as they’ve grown older.  It’s not so much about taking care of them anymore.  Now they need opportunities to discover their ability to take care of themselves. 

 

I’ve graduated from being their source to being their resource.  My job has changed from doing things for them to expressing my confidence that they can learn to do things for themselves.

 

Just in the nick of time, too.  I’ve been craving uninterrupted opportunities to write and think and meditate.  I’m relieved to know that I can take this time for myself without feeling that I am depriving them somehow. 

 

I guess I needed the reassurance that it was ok, even good for them, that I wanted space to myself.  Mama Bird at some point needs to get tough on her babies while getting them ready to fly.  Maybe Mother Nature gives her a helping hand by offering her the tool of irritation to toughen her up so she does what must be done.

 

Traditionally it’s been hard for me to trust that even my irritation could be ok.  Once more, I have been reminded that all is truly as it should be.  And for that, I am grateful.