“What are some of the ways in which you explain to kids that
mom and dad need time alone, without feeling guilty about it?” A journalist,
writing an article on having time alone and couple time when you have kids,
asked me this question.
Parents will feel guilty only when they believe that they
are doing something wrong by spending time alone and couple time without their
children. This is a false belief.
The truth is that children grow up far healthier emotionally
when their parents are happy and fulfilled, even if it means that their parents
spend less time with them. When parents understand that they are being good
parents by taking loving care of themselves and their relationship, their children
will understand this.
One way of helping children understand this is to introduce
the concept of “time alone” very early in a child’s life. By the time a child
is three, he or she can easily understand the concept of time alone. If, each
time you spend time alone with your child, you say, “This is our time alone,”
your child will begin to understand the concept. When you have time to
yourself, you can say, “This is my time alone with myself.” When you spend time
with your partner, you can say, “This is Mom and Dad’s time alone together.”
Parents can tell their children, as soon as they are capable of understanding
the words, “We need time alone with you, with each other, and with ourselves.
All of us need to respect this about each other.”
Our three children fully understood the concept of “time
alone” because we spent time alone with each of them. They came to understand
and respect at a very young age the need for time alone.
If you put yourself aside and don’t spend time with yourself
and with your partner, you are giving your children unhealthy role modeling.
You are teaching them that others are always responsible for meeting their
needs. You are teaching them to feel entitled to your time and attention rather
than helping them learn to respect others’ time. You are teaching them that it
is okay to demand that others put themselves aside for them, which may create
narcissistic behavior.
Healthy parenting means finding a balance between being with
your children, being with your partner, and being with yourself. For your
children to grow up taking responsibility for their own needs and feelings,
they need to see you taking responsibility for your needs and feelings.
Constantly sacrificing yourself for your children does not role model personal responsibility.
Children need to experience you and your spouse enjoying
your time with each other, as well as with yourselves. They need to see you
pursuing your work, hobbies, creativity and passions in order to understand
that they also need to find their passions. If you are always there to meet
your children’s needs, how can they discover who they are and what brings them
joy? Always being there to meet your children’s needs for entertainment creates
a dependency on others rather than finding these resources within themselves.
Many people grow up not knowing how to be alone with
themselves. Because they were either always in front of a TV or being
entertained by their parents, they never discovered how to “play by
themselves.”
Of course it is very important to have enough time alone
with your children. But it is equally important to have enough time alone with
your spouse and with yourself. When you understand this, you will stop feeling
guilty about taking your time alone. When you no longer feel guilty, your
children will learn to stop guilting you and respect your needs.
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