Parenting - It can be fun

Like so many of us, in my early stages of parenthood I took a very traditional, mainstream approach to caring for my first-born.  I’m thrilled to say that today I’ve grown.  For the betterment and health of my children, I examined new ways of doing things.  By listening, not only to my heart, but to my babies, and opening my mind to those around me willing to share their wisdom and experiences, I believe I’ve created a bond with my children that will last a lifetime.

 

Because of this, I hope to share some of my misconceptions and solutions with others, in hopes of enlightening them to truly examine their parenting options and methods, and ask themselves if they believe they are as close to their little ones as they believe they should be.  I am here to tell you that raising a baby can truly be a beautiful experience.

 

My son right now is sleeping. He is sick, poor little man. It’s just a cold, nothing too serious, but my heart aches to make it better, to bend over backward to provide him some relief.  My old instincts with my daughter were; run to the store; buy medicine, and give her dose after dose to make the symptoms better.  It’s not good for little ones to have the sniffles, right?

 

I was 22 when my daughter was born; I thought I knew it all.  I had read the books, performed research online, taken Lamaze classes for childbirth, and completed both a “new parents” class and a breastfeeding class.  I was totally prepared to have my daughter; or so I thought.

 

Things were tough with her.  I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but she had a hard time latching on. The “class” I took did me little to no good.  All the “strategies” I was taught, I had forgotten.   The methods that worked with the baby doll in class were in no way effective with a moving, screaming newborn.  The Lactation consultant at the hospital said, “You’re fine, doing it fine, just keep it up, you’ll get it.”  So, I trusted this person knew what she was talking about.  And I listened.  I didn’t seek more help; I didn’t even realize more help was actually available.

 

She could not latch.  It got to the point where I was hysterical.  I was crying, basically praying to God that He not let my baby wake up, because feeding her had become such a traumatic experience.  It was truly a sad situation; one that I will never forget. 

 

Well, I know now, the reason behind the difficulties was simple.  Not only was I uncomfortable, I was scared.  Breastfeeding was foreign to me.  I had not seen it done, I personally was not breastfed, nor was my husband at the time.  Having the baby there freaked me out, and having her sucking on me was almost worse.

 

I did know that breast milk was best, so I bought an electric Breast Pump.  I then started pumping every two hours, in order to feed her the “best food” through a bottle. Though I had no idea how MUCH to pump, so I got more milk than my baby could ever drink.  To give you an idea of approximately how much I pumped, after Aubrey was fed breast milk the entire first year of her life, I was still able to ship over 50 pounds of breast milk to Mothers Milk Bank in Austin Texas. (http://www.mmbaustin.org/) The Mother’s Milk Bank is a great facility.  Their mission: “The Mothers' Milk Bank at Austin is a non-profit organization whose mission is to accept, pasteurize and dispense donor human milk by physician prescription primarily to premature and ill infants.” (Provided by http://www.mmbaustin.org) 

 

Other things I just “knew” before I had her, included babies should be laid down as much as possible, they need to become independent.  Babies need to sleep on their own from the beginning and at 6 months they need to “learn” to fall asleep themselves.

 

Aubrey was as a baby, I am ashamed to say, Furberized (Dr. Furber’s method of parenting and getting kids to sleep is letting them Cry It Out).  She was laid on the floor or placed in a swing or car seat a lot.  She wasn’t connected to me at all.  There were times I felt more like her nanny than her mother.  Part of the reason for all of this was my now ex-husband’s belief that Aubrey needed a schedule and structure, and she needed to be in her own bed; the fact that I had read all of those books contributed to the confusion as well.  I wanted to be the best parent ever, so I thought reading the books was the way to make that happen.

 

Frankly, I never once listened to my body, my heart or her cries.  Don’t get me wrong, I was not abusive, but we did let her cry, especially after 6 months when we Furberized her to get her to learn how to sleep.  I did not listen to the chemical changes in my body when my daughter cried; I did not learn her cues, and we struggled on a day-to-day basis. (“When your baby cries there is an actual chemical reaction in your body.  Prolactin the ‘mothering hormone’ is released and your body physically gets ready to breastfeed.” Statement provided by: http://www.consciouschoice.com/1999/cc1210/parenting1210.html)

 

Then through a series of events that are not relevant, Aubrey’s father and I divorced.  I started easing up a bit; I did still believe what all the books said, but I also started thinking maybe I should listen to what Aubrey was trying to say, and my heart as well.

 

Four years later, at 26, after being a mother for several years, I got pregnant with my son.  I had always wanted to be a Mother, but I struggled with the idea of keeping my son.  I was opposed to an abortion; but I was not working at the time, and I had a 4-year-old daughter to support.  I did more thinking and crying in the first couple months of that pregnancy than I think I have in my entire life.

 

Unfortunately, within a week of knowing I was pregnant, Zachary’s father decided that he did not want to be a part of Zachary’s life, and signed away his rights to him.  So it was all up to me.  It was not easy, but in the end I decided to listen to my heart, trust myself and my faith in God, and know that God would never give me more than I could handle.  I decided to keep him.  It was one of the most frightening and difficult decisions I have ever made not because I did not want or love Zachary, but because I wanted the absolute best for Zachary!

 

With that decision behind me, then came the thoughts of how I would parent him.  I knew that there had to be better methods than those I used with my daughter.  She had been so detached from me.  Again, I turned to my heart, listened, and tried to trust myself.  Over time, I’ve gradually learned that trusting my own judgment is a major accomplishment.

 

I was determined to breastfeed.  Come hell or high water, I would breastfeed.  So I started looking for help before my son was born, joining my local La Leche League (http://www.lalecheleague.org/) “The La Leche League International mission is: To help mothers worldwide to breastfeed through mother-to-mother support, encouragement, information, and education and to promote a better understanding of breastfeeding as an important element in the healthy development of the baby and mother.” The League has wonderful support groups, and great leaders, that really CARE about your breastfeeding success!!

 

I wrote up a plan, and on that plan I pledged that Zachary was not to have any bottles at all after birth, and I stuck to it.  Again, breastfeeding wasn’t easy.  Zachary had a hard time latching.  I had a lot of extra milk and over active let down. We struggled hard in those first few days and weeks.

 

However, despite the difficulties, instead of crying and hoping my son would never wake up, I spent many nights just staring at the wonder of him. I would stroke his hair and breathe his new baby smell, soaking in every detail of who he was.  I am sitting here crying as I think of this time; what an amazing experience that was.

 

After we left the hospital the fun began.  And this time it really was fun. Though many in my family and those around me felt that Zachary was more work than Aubrey, for me, it was far less.

 

I held Zachary all the time

 

Did you know that it’s physically impossible to hold a baby too much? I nursed him on demand, and did not let him cry.  If he cried, it was within the loving wrap of my arms. Everyone told me I would spoil him, but even science says: “Attachment studies have spoiled the spoiling theory. Researchers Drs. Bell and Ainsworth at John Hopkins University studied two sets of parents and their children. Group A were attachment-parented babies. These babies were securely attached, the products of responsive parenting. Group B babies were parented in a more restrained way, with a set schedule and given a less intuitive and nurturing response to their cues. All these babies were tracked for at least a year. Which group do you think eventually turned out to be the most independent? Group A, the securely attached babies.  Researchers who have studied the effects of parenting styles on children's later outcome have concluded, to put it simply, that the spoiling theory is utter nonsense.”

 

Not only does science support my new way of parenting, so did my heart.  And, it ended up being FAR less work than the way I had tried to parent before.  I utilized new tools, that I had no knowledge of after my first pregnancy, like baby carriers. Traditional things like swings and bouncers did not work for Zachary; he wanted to be with me.  So I took to slinging him daily, constantly just about, and it was far more effective as other tools we tried.

 

Think about it, what’s the ONE thing they tell new parents, that babies like best, learn from best and want around most? You and your face.  Babies learn from the face and actually like looking at it better than anything else in the world.  Why do you think a baby can see best within 6-8 inches of their face?  That’s the traditional distance between their nursing face and your face!  They like to look at you and love the natural sway of your body. 

 

Attachment parenting is not something I knew about before I had my son or my daughter. My finding the phrase for it was by pure accident, though I am so glad I did.  It so helps to know other moms like me, and know I am not alone.

 

For me attachment parenting is not about following a set of rules, although there are “guidelines” that reinforce the theory of “attachment parenting”.  Attachment parenting can include things like Emotional Responsiveness, Breastfeeding, Baby wearing, Shared Sleep, Avoiding Prolonged Separation, Positive Discipline and maintaining a balance in your family life.

 

If for one reason or another sharing sleep, for example, is not for you, rest assured that would not at all imply that you’re not an attached parent or that you’re “bad” in some way.  All aspects of attachment parenting are not for everyone.  Being an attached parent is more or less just a general term, for loving and becoming in-tune to, and more responsive with your own baby.

 

All parents love their children, but many don’t “know” their children.  One cry sounds like every other; one gesture is just like the rest.  An attached parent is much more likely to know and understand their baby’s wants and needs and do something about them.  Knowing the difference between a cry of hunger from a cry from fear would be a good example.

 

Babies don’t do things to manipulate us; they do things because that’s all they can do, to get the response they need from the people that love them.  Until birth, all they’ve known is being in a warm, cozy place where they were never hungry or hurt.  Now, all of a sudden they are thrust into the world of lights, loud noises, hunger, experiencing pain and feeling cold!  How scary it must be for them.  Attachment Parenting is about realizing that, and allowing ourselves to be nurturing.

 

In closing, be true to yourself, your marriage (or relationship), and to your baby and/or children. Trust that in the end no matter what kind of parent you are, your children are blessed to have you in their lives. There are many different ways to parent, I hope that you will open your mind to the different possibilities out there, look “outside” the mainstream line of things, and more to the natural side of things. There are many places to get awesome attachment parenting products to help you in your quest, as well as websites with a lot more information. I suggest Attachment Parenting International (http://www.attachmentparenting.org/) which has support groups, and other information, and Kelly Mom is also a great website for help with breastfeeding. (http://www.kellymom.com) to name a few.

 

 

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Parenting - Find the Right Balance!

Parenting can be a daunting prospect even for the most accomplished and the most prepared. Good parenting is a balance of many different factors and you will need to discipline as well as spend good, quality time with your child. In this modern age, time is of a premium. Even when pa

Parenting can be a daunting prospect even for the most accomplished and the most prepared. Good parenting is a balance of many different factors and you will need to discipline as well as spend good, quality time with your child. In this modern age, time is of a premium. Even when parents do find they have some spare time to interact with their children this time is often spent worrying about what needs to be done next.

 

Make sure you set aside some time every day to spend with your child or children and when you do, try to concentrate solely on them. If you appear withdrawn or distracted your child will notice and in many cases they will associate it with their own actions. Do things that will educate and entertain them and remember that socializing is as educational as any other activity.

 

A well-socialized child will grow into a well-adapted young adult. Usually, they will easily make friends and treat people with respect. They will also be able to attract similar responses from those around them. Socializing should start very early on and playgroups can be an excellent opportunity to interact with children of their own and different ages. Because there are a number of children at playgroups and parents can attend, a playgroup should become something to look forward to.

 

By setting aside this time every day or routinely attending playgroups you are already beginning to build a good structure in your child’s life. Your future parenting requirements will be greatly helped by this. Children appreciate structure because it helps them to concentrate and it makes them feel at ease, but if they are unaccustomed to this structured way of life then they will find it difficult to adapt when you start demanding it. If you work unusual hours or stay at work late it can be difficult to include this structure, but you should do so whenever you can.

 

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Parenting & Dealing with Childhood Obesity

One of the leading problems effecting today’s youth is that of childhood obesity. One of the most important parenting tips that could ultimately save a child’s life is to deal with the problem early and yet with great sensitivity. The truth is that dealing with this delicate parenting issue early may help to save a child from dealing with obesity and other related illnesses in later life.

 

Over the years, the presence of obesity in children has dramatically increased. Many experts attribute the surge to over exposure to video games, television and computers. Others suspect that the increasing problem stems from poor eating habits and still others believe it may be a little bit of both.

 

Among other problems, obese children are at higher risk for developing diabetes and heart related illnesses. Health professionals are commonly worried that children who battle with weight early in life may face obesity later in adulthood, which could have a very negative impact on their health.

 

A child who is overweight or has recently been diagnosed with obesity, should not be singled out from the family as being the only one needing to make a change in their lifestyle. This is one of the most important parenting techniques to use when dealing with childhood obesity and is also one that will greatly impact a child’s self-esteem. If parenting isn’t done properly in this situation, the child may forever feel inferior or begin to identify themselves by how much they weigh, which is an unhealthy possibility. It is important that the entire family join together and participate in healthier meals, less television time and increased levels of activity, including walking.

 

Among the best parenting remedies used to combat obesity is preparing more fruits, vegetables and fewer foods that are high in fat. Positive parenting techniques will involve having healthy snacks available for your family and encouraging them over junk foods. Additionally, set a schedule for the family to take a brisk walk or spend some time doing some type of physical activity, including a game of basketball, softball, volleyball, etc. Anything that will get your child up and moving instead of spending all of his/her time in front of the television or video game will be to their benefit and will lend to the positive impact of good parenting. And finally, be vocal during your child’s medical visits. This includes asking the doctor questions about any concerns that you may have, as well as taking his/her advice when it comes to the health of your child.

 

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Parenthood and Long Hair

If they don’t cut their hair in pregnancy, many women cut their hair shorter after the baby is born. The reason, as always, is that it’s easier to deal with.

 

If you think about it, though, long hair may not require that much extra effort when compared to short hair. You’ll spend less time getting it cut at the salon, which can be nice when you have to fit that in around your children’s schedules. Brushing your hair only takes a little longer for well-maintained long hair than it does for shorter hair.

 

Pulling the hair back in a ponytail is easy and practical for any hair that is long enough for that style. I’ve always been fond of braiding my hair when I need a lot of control.

 

Children love long hair. My daughter is always asking me to brush her hair long, “like Rapunzel’s.” My kids would be shocked if I cut my hair.

 

But what about those hectic days when you have a hard time even getting into the shower? Isn’t long hair inconvenient then?

 

It doesn’t have to be. Twist your hair up into a knot if you don’t absolutely have to brush it and you won’t have to wait for it to dry. My hair needs washing only about every other day before I start to notice an oily feeling… occasionally daily in summer due to the heat, and sometimes I suspect I could get away with washing it less in winter if I were in THAT much of a hurry. It’s just so nice to get out of the shower some days, feeling clean, but not needing to worry about drying my hair.

 

Moms do not have to have short hair. It’s common practice these days, but it’s nice to stand out in a way you won’t regret later. I often get envious comments from other moms, and meeting other long haired moms is fun. No, we don’t talk about having long hair all the time… occasionally share care or styling tips, but I think most women do that anyhow. It’s just a little something we automatically know we have in common.

 

Keeping your hair long is also a great way to feel feminine. My husband and I knew each other for years before we married, but had lost contact for a time, during which I grew my hair out. His first comment on seeing me after 5 years apart, aside from general hellos was “I love your hair.” I don’t say that’s the only reason we got back together, not by a long shot, but it sure didn’t hurt. He’d be quite disappointed if I cut my hair. Few men can resist long hair. When you’re a parent and sometimes there aren’t many ways to show your feelings, little things like teasing him with long hair works quite nicely.

 

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Few Tidbits for Parenting

New parents face many problems and issues that they are expected to understand and deal with immediately.  Unfortunately, newborns do not come with an instruction book so here are a few topics that you may need to know about. 

 

* Bathing your baby:  Until your baby’s umbilical cord falls off one to two weeks after their birth, only give her sponge baths.  A cotton ball or cotton swab dampened with alcohol can help to dry the umbilical stump or follow your pediatrician’s directions.  After the stump falls off, you can give him a bath in a sink or shallow tub. 

 

* Caesarian delivery:  A caesarian is usually performed to make delivery safer for you or your baby.  C-sections can be done for many different reasons including stalled labor, complicated labor, problems with the baby that may make delivery difficult, or other problems.  It does not matter if you deliver vaginally or by a caesarian section, you are still a mother with a beautiful new blessing.   

 

* Circumcision:  Many doctors agree that there may be some benefit to circumcision, but it may not be absolutely necessary.  It may help to lower the risk of urinary tract infections and eliminates just about any chance of penile cancer.  Circumcision does not cause long-term emotional problems for your child. 

 

* Crib death (SIDS):  Many studies have been done regarding SIDS.  Although the cause of SIDS has not been definitely defined, there are some correlations that have been made between SIDS and the following things: 

 

o Male babies are more likely to die from SIDS than females

o Prematurity makes it more likely

o Minority children are affected by it more often than non-minorities

o More children of young, single mothers die from it

o Children who live in a home with one or more smokers are more likely to be affected

 

Some people say that sleeping with your baby can reduce the risk of SIDS, but the American Academy of Pediatrics disagree with this statement and go on to say that there is a greater risk of SIDS in babies who co-sleep. 

 

Back sleeping is what most pediatricians recommend for babies to decrease the SIDS risk.  The reason for this is widely debated between health experts.  If you have concerns, talk to your pediatrician. 

 

 

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Parental Control - You

With all the talk about the technology available for parental control, the experts all agree that parental control starts with the parent.  We examine what the parent can do to keep their kids out of trouble.

 

There is a lot of talk going around about all the different ways that you can keep your kid from wandering into chat rooms, viewing adult sites, watching R rated TV programs and just about everything else that you want to keep your kid from.  But studies show that the best parental control to keep your kids out of trouble is you. 

 

This may not be very popular with parents who feel they don't have the time or shouldn't have to watch over their kids 24/7, but in the old days, that's how things were done.  True, we didn't have the Internet, we didn't have cable TV with all its nudity and violence and we didn't have pornography just a click away, but kids were still kids and there were plenty of ways for them to get into trouble.  And the principals that applied then apply now as well. 

 

The experts in this area recommend the following simple things to keep your kids from getting into things that you just don't want them to get into.  Again, these are experts' views and not necessarily the views of this writer.  We're only reporting what the professionals say. 

 

For TV it's still the same as it was years ago.  For starters, kids don't get their own TV in their rooms.  They want to watch something, they come into the living room or recreation room or wherever the TV is located and watch there with the rest of the family.  Then, whatever it is your kid is watching, you as the parent make sure you monitor the program.  If you're concerned with your kid turning on a pay station then simply don't have them in the house.  We need to set examples for our kids.  We can't do that if we're spending our time watching sex and violence ourselves. 

 

Also, make sure you have designated viewing times.  Most adult oriented material is shown after prime time begins.  You may want to cut off the time your child can watch TV at around 10 PM, earlier if your child is very young. 

As for the Internet, this becomes a bit more of a problem because sex and violence are there 24/7.  In the case of the Internet though it's really no different from the TV.  No computer access in the child's room.  The child uses the same computer as everyone else in the house, preferably in an open area where a parent can easily see what the child is viewing.  Make your child aware of what is out there and tell him so he understands that he's to go nowhere near these sites.  Explain to him that it is very easy to check if he has been to a racist or porn site and the punishment for doing so will be severe.  Again, you need to set an example for your child.  If you're going to know whether or not he has been to these sites, which you can easily check with your computer's history, then you as the parent have to make sure that you are also nowhere near them. 

 

Many may find the experts' advice on this matter harsh and unreasonable, but they all unanimously agree that the problem with kids doing what they're not supposed to do starts at home. 

 

It's the way it always was and it's the way it will always be.

 

 

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Parental Control - TV Rating System

With the increase of sex and violence on television, or as George Carlin likes to delicately put it, "Sax and Violins", parents have to be more careful than ever about what they allow their children to watch.  But how do they do that? Unless they've got some kind of guide or know every movie that's ever come out there is just no way they can possibly know if a movie or program is suitable for their child. 

 

The TV rating system to the rescue 

 

Essentially, the TV rating system is a system put in place that evaluates a program’s sex and violence content and rates the program accordingly.  This rating is then displayed, usually at the left hand corner of your TV screen.  This way, when you turn a program on you will immediately know if it is something you want your child to watch.  How?  Well, the ratings are pretty well defined, though there are some gray areas. 

 

Let's cover the basic ratings so you have an idea of what to expect. 

 

TV Y - This is the lowest or least offensive rating.  A program with a TV Y rating is deemed to be appropriate for children of all ages.  This can be either animated or live action.  The themes of these programs are usually also geared to a very young audience between the ages of 2 and 6.  This program should in no way frighten a young child. 

 

TV Y7 - This program is usually designed for children age 7 and older.  Usually this type of program is geared to children who can differentiate between make believe and reality.  There may be some mild fantasy themes or comedic violence.  It might be possible for children under 7 to be scared by these shows.  If a show has a great deal of fantasy violence then it may be given a qualifier to this rating and be designated TV Y7 FV. 

 

TV G - This program is for people of all ages.  It is not specifically intended for young children but should be okay for them to watch.  These are usually your family oriented shows that rarely if ever contain themes that may be inappropriate for children. 

 

TV PG - This program may contain material that is not suitable for young children like mild violence or suggestions of sex.  Parents may want to watch these shows with their children to answer any questions they may have about it.  These programs occasionally will also have some suggestive language.  TV PG shows will usually have a qualifier attached to them as well such as V for mild violence, L for language or S for sexual situations. 

 

TV 14 - This program is for children over the age of 14.  Parents are strongly cautioned to watch these shows with their kids.  These programs usually have either intense violence, strong sexual situations, strong language or very suggestive dialogue. 

 

TV MA - These programs are intended for mature audiences only.  These are usually not for children under 17 and usually contain graphic violence, explicit sex, or very crude language.  Qualifiers will be attached to these as well so the parent knows what is contained.  But most likely it won't matter as they probably won't want their kids to watch these shows anyway. 

 

With the above guidelines, parents should have no trouble monitoring what they want their children to watch.

 

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Yahtzee - an Educational Game?

Education can be "hidden" in a lot of toys and games.  When you think of educational toys and games for your children don't overlook some of the obvious ones.

 Today we will talk about Yahtzee, most say it is all in the luck of the roll.  That maybe true but there is some logic involved as well.  Do you use four ones for your four of a kind or do you try for sixes instead.  Do you go for your large straight when you have a 2, 3, 4, 5, or do you try in when you have a 1, 2, 4, 5?

 But besides the logic there is basic addition.  Learning to count by 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's, and 6's.  Then of course you need to total up the score.

 The game of Yahtzee doesn't take long and even if you are playing with a younger child that cannot add up the final scores just the exposure to counting by 2's and 5's for example will help them understand math concepts later on.

 Yahtzee is also great because it doesn't matter how many players you have, and you can even play by yourself and try to top your best score.

 Then you must not forget the sheer pleasure of spending time with your children doing something enjoyable.  Children flourish when attention is spent on them.  You don't have to plan an expensive trip to the amusement park to spend quality time with your children, just doing something that is enjoyable to both of you and giving them your attention is often enough.

 Start your children young introducing them to different concepts such as addition, reading, etc.  Young children love to learn and you will most often find a willing pupil that is excited to learn new things, especially when it is their favorite teacher instructing them, you.

 Your Personal Parenting Style and Your Child’s Sleep

 Good mothers and fathers come in many styles. Each one of us has different strengths, interests, and values that make us a great parent. Don’t let yourself become discouraged or disappointed when others ‘give you advice’ that doesn’t seem to mesh with who you are. Maybe you’re not a roll around on the floor kind of parent with your child.  Maybe you’ve decided to hang back and let your little one explore. That’s great! As long as it works for you and your child, nobody should be able to convince you that your method is incorrect or wrong. Once you recognize and embrace your own personal parenting style, you can stop trying to live up to everyone else's expectations and get on with the business of enjoying being a parent.

 It’s important to keep in mind too, that these well-meaning advice givers don’t know your child as well as you.  They aren’t there with your child night and day, watching him grow, learn, explore, play, eat, and sleep.  Only you know what’s best for your child, and you know what works best in your household and for your lifestyle.  As with anything, figuring things out along the way will involve trial and error. 

 So when you receive yet another unsolicited piece of advice regarding your child’s napping or nighttime sleeping habits, keep both your and your child’s personal style in mind.  You’ve done the legwork, you’ve experimented, and you’ve learned together what works and what doesn’t work.  The cues should come from your instincts regarding your child and from your child directly.  There’s no such thing as a hard-and-fast rule for sleep habits among children other than it is needed! As your child grows, his cues may change, but as long as you stay in tune with him, his sleep habits shouldn’t have to suffer as a result. And neither should yours.