Like so many of us, in my early stages of parenthood I took
a very traditional, mainstream approach to caring for my first-born. I’m thrilled to say that today I’ve
grown. For the betterment and health of
my children, I examined new ways of doing things. By listening, not only to my heart, but to my
babies, and opening my mind to those around me willing to share their wisdom
and experiences, I believe I’ve created a bond with my children that will last
a lifetime.
Because of this, I hope to share some of my misconceptions
and solutions with others, in hopes of enlightening them to truly examine their
parenting options and methods, and ask themselves if they believe they are as
close to their little ones as they believe they should be. I am here to tell you that raising a baby can
truly be a beautiful experience.
My son right now is sleeping. He is sick, poor little man.
It’s just a cold, nothing too serious, but my heart aches to make it better, to
bend over backward to provide him some relief.
My old instincts with my daughter were; run to the store; buy medicine,
and give her dose after dose to make the symptoms better. It’s not good for little ones to have the
sniffles, right?
I was 22 when my daughter was born; I thought I knew it
all. I had read the books, performed
research online, taken Lamaze classes for childbirth, and completed both a “new
parents” class and a breastfeeding class.
I was totally prepared to have my daughter; or so I thought.
Things were tough with her.
I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but she had a hard time latching on. The
“class” I took did me little to no good.
All the “strategies” I was taught, I had forgotten. The methods that worked with the baby doll
in class were in no way effective with a moving, screaming newborn. The Lactation consultant at the hospital
said, “You’re fine, doing it fine, just keep it up, you’ll get it.” So, I trusted this person knew what she was
talking about. And I listened. I didn’t seek more help; I didn’t even
realize more help was actually available.
She could not latch.
It got to the point where I was hysterical. I was crying, basically praying to God that
He not let my baby wake up, because feeding her had become such a traumatic
experience. It was truly a sad
situation; one that I will never forget.
Well, I know now, the reason behind the difficulties was
simple. Not only was I uncomfortable, I
was scared. Breastfeeding was foreign to
me. I had not seen it done, I personally
was not breastfed, nor was my husband at the time. Having the baby there freaked me out, and
having her sucking on me was almost worse.
I did know that breast milk was best, so I bought an
electric Breast Pump. I then started pumping
every two hours, in order to feed her the “best food” through a bottle. Though
I had no idea how MUCH to pump, so I got more milk than my baby could ever
drink. To give you an idea of
approximately how much I pumped, after Aubrey was fed breast milk the entire
first year of her life, I was still able to ship over 50 pounds of breast milk
to Mothers Milk Bank in Austin Texas. (http://www.mmbaustin.org/) The Mother’s
Milk Bank is a great facility. Their
mission: “The Mothers' Milk Bank at Austin is a non-profit organization whose
mission is to accept, pasteurize and dispense donor human milk by physician
prescription primarily to premature and ill infants.” (Provided by
http://www.mmbaustin.org)
Other things I just “knew” before I had her, included babies
should be laid down as much as possible, they need to become independent. Babies need to sleep on their own from the
beginning and at 6 months they need to “learn” to fall asleep themselves.
Aubrey was as a baby, I am ashamed to say, Furberized (Dr.
Furber’s method of parenting and getting kids to sleep is letting them Cry It
Out). She was laid on the floor or
placed in a swing or car seat a lot. She
wasn’t connected to me at all. There
were times I felt more like her nanny than her mother. Part of the reason for all of this was my now
ex-husband’s belief that Aubrey needed a schedule and structure, and she needed
to be in her own bed; the fact that I had read all of those books contributed
to the confusion as well. I wanted to be
the best parent ever, so I thought reading the books was the way to make that
happen.
Frankly, I never once listened to my body, my heart or her
cries. Don’t get me wrong, I was not
abusive, but we did let her cry, especially after 6 months when we Furberized
her to get her to learn how to sleep. I
did not listen to the chemical changes in my body when my daughter cried; I did
not learn her cues, and we struggled on a day-to-day basis. (“When your baby
cries there is an actual chemical reaction in your body. Prolactin the ‘mothering hormone’ is released
and your body physically gets ready to breastfeed.” Statement provided by:
http://www.consciouschoice.com/1999/cc1210/parenting1210.html)
Then through a series of events that are not relevant,
Aubrey’s father and I divorced. I
started easing up a bit; I did still believe what all the books said, but I
also started thinking maybe I should listen to what Aubrey was trying to say,
and my heart as well.
Four years later, at 26, after being a mother for several
years, I got pregnant with my son. I had
always wanted to be a Mother, but I struggled with the idea of keeping my
son. I was opposed to an abortion; but I
was not working at the time, and I had a 4-year-old daughter to support. I did more thinking and crying in the first
couple months of that pregnancy than I think I have in my entire life.
Unfortunately, within a week of knowing I was pregnant,
Zachary’s father decided that he did not want to be a part of Zachary’s life,
and signed away his rights to him. So it
was all up to me. It was not easy, but
in the end I decided to listen to my heart, trust myself and my faith in God,
and know that God would never give me more than I could handle. I decided to keep him. It was one of the most frightening and
difficult decisions I have ever made not because I did not want or love
Zachary, but because I wanted the absolute best for Zachary!
With that decision behind me, then came the thoughts of how
I would parent him. I knew that there
had to be better methods than those I used with my daughter. She had been so detached from me. Again, I turned to my heart, listened, and
tried to trust myself. Over time, I’ve
gradually learned that trusting my own judgment is a major accomplishment.
I was determined to breastfeed. Come hell or high water, I would
breastfeed. So I started looking for
help before my son was born, joining my local La Leche League
(http://www.lalecheleague.org/) “The La Leche League International mission is:
To help mothers worldwide to breastfeed through mother-to-mother support,
encouragement, information, and education and to promote a better understanding
of breastfeeding as an important element in the healthy development of the baby
and mother.” The League has wonderful support groups, and great leaders, that
really CARE about your breastfeeding success!!
I wrote up a plan, and on that plan I pledged that Zachary
was not to have any bottles at all after birth, and I stuck to it. Again, breastfeeding wasn’t easy. Zachary had a hard time latching. I had a lot of extra milk and over active let
down. We struggled hard in those first few days and weeks.
However, despite the difficulties, instead of crying and
hoping my son would never wake up, I spent many nights just staring at the
wonder of him. I would stroke his hair and breathe his new baby smell, soaking
in every detail of who he was. I am
sitting here crying as I think of this time; what an amazing experience that
was.
After we left the hospital the fun began. And this time it really was fun. Though many
in my family and those around me felt that Zachary was more work than Aubrey,
for me, it was far less.
I held Zachary all the time
Did you know that it’s physically impossible to hold a baby
too much? I nursed him on demand, and did not let him cry. If he cried, it was within the loving wrap of
my arms. Everyone told me I would spoil him, but even science says: “Attachment
studies have spoiled the spoiling theory. Researchers Drs. Bell and Ainsworth
at John Hopkins University studied two sets of parents and their children.
Group A were attachment-parented babies. These babies were securely attached,
the products of responsive parenting. Group B babies were parented in a more
restrained way, with a set schedule and given a less intuitive and nurturing
response to their cues. All these babies were tracked for at least a year.
Which group do you think eventually turned out to be the most independent?
Group A, the securely attached babies.
Researchers who have studied the effects of parenting styles on
children's later outcome have concluded, to put it simply, that the spoiling
theory is utter nonsense.”
Not only does science support my new way of parenting, so
did my heart. And, it ended up being FAR
less work than the way I had tried to parent before. I utilized new tools, that I had no knowledge
of after my first pregnancy, like baby carriers. Traditional things like swings
and bouncers did not work for Zachary; he wanted to be with me. So I took to slinging him daily, constantly
just about, and it was far more effective as other tools we tried.
Think about it, what’s the ONE thing they tell new parents,
that babies like best, learn from best and want around most? You and your
face. Babies learn from the face and
actually like looking at it better than anything else in the world. Why do you think a baby can see best within
6-8 inches of their face? That’s the
traditional distance between their nursing face and your face! They like to look at you and love the natural
sway of your body.
Attachment parenting is not something I knew about before I
had my son or my daughter. My finding the phrase for it was by pure accident,
though I am so glad I did. It so helps
to know other moms like me, and know I am not alone.
For me attachment parenting is not about following a set of
rules, although there are “guidelines” that reinforce the theory of “attachment
parenting”. Attachment parenting can
include things like Emotional Responsiveness, Breastfeeding, Baby wearing,
Shared Sleep, Avoiding Prolonged Separation, Positive Discipline and
maintaining a balance in your family life.
If for one reason or another sharing sleep, for example, is
not for you, rest assured that would not at all imply that you’re not an
attached parent or that you’re “bad” in some way. All aspects of attachment parenting are not
for everyone. Being an attached parent
is more or less just a general term, for loving and becoming in-tune to, and
more responsive with your own baby.
All parents love their children, but many don’t “know” their
children. One cry sounds like every
other; one gesture is just like the rest.
An attached parent is much more likely to know and understand their baby’s
wants and needs and do something about them.
Knowing the difference between a cry of hunger from a cry from fear
would be a good example.
Babies don’t do things to manipulate us; they do things
because that’s all they can do, to get the response they need from the people
that love them. Until birth, all they’ve
known is being in a warm, cozy place where they were never hungry or hurt. Now, all of a sudden they are thrust into the
world of lights, loud noises, hunger, experiencing pain and feeling cold! How scary it must be for them. Attachment Parenting is about realizing that,
and allowing ourselves to be nurturing.
In closing, be true to yourself, your marriage (or
relationship), and to your baby and/or children. Trust that in the end no
matter what kind of parent you are, your children are blessed to have you in
their lives. There are many different ways to parent, I hope that you will open
your mind to the different possibilities out there, look “outside” the
mainstream line of things, and more to the natural side of things. There are
many places to get awesome attachment parenting products to help you in your
quest, as well as websites with a lot more information. I suggest Attachment
Parenting International (http://www.attachmentparenting.org/) which has support
groups, and other information, and Kelly Mom is also a great website for help
with breastfeeding. (http://www.kellymom.com) to name a few.
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