Best Teen Parenting Tips - For Raising Teens

The teen years bring plenty of parenting challenges. Get the information you need not only to survive the teen years but enjoy them together! This book is th...
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Preparing your child cognitively to read

The ultimate goal of reading instruction is to enable children to understand what they read, so reading instruction has to be about more than simply matching letters and sounds -- it also has to be about connecting words and meaning.

 

It is clear from research on emerging literacy that learning to read is a relatively lengthy process that begins very early in development and clearly before children enter formal schooling.

 

Children who receive stimulating literacy experiences from birth onward appear to have an edge when it comes to vocabulary development, understanding the goals of reading, and developing an awareness of print and literacy concepts.

 

Children who are read to frequently at very young ages become exposed in interesting and exciting ways to the sounds of our language, to the concept of rhyming, and to other word and language play activities that serve to provide the foundation for the development of phoneme awareness.

 

As children are exposed to literacy activities at young ages, they begin to recognize and discriminate letters. Without a doubt, children who have learned to recognize and print most letters as preschoolers will have less to learn upon school entry. The learning of letter names is also important because the names of many letters contain the sounds they most often represent, thus orienting youngsters early to the alphabetic principle or how letters and sounds connect.

 

The earlier you begin working on language with your child -- simply speaking to your child, reading to your child, and then listening and responding to your child's communications -- the better off your child will be when the time comes to learn to read.

 

Studies show a strong connection between early language development and reading. Language and reading require the same types of sound analysis. The better babies are at distinguishing the building blocks of speech at six months, the better they will be at more complex language skills at two and three years old, and the easier it will be for them at four and five years old to grasp the idea of how sounds link to letters.  Preparing your child to become a reader needs to go beyond this to cognitive readiness.

 

Cognitive readiness is essentially making sure your child has the essential foundations for reading. This includes the development and understanding of language, such as vocabulary, sentence structure, and grammar; but also includes background knowledge and experience.

 

For example, a child can easily make the transition from seeing the neighbor's cat to the parent connecting the word "cat" with the animal. Then later when the child is learning the alphabet and connecting sounds with various letters the cat is again brought into play. Finally, when it is time to begin reading text the child is already well on her way to understanding the written word "cat" through her experience of seeing and hearing it.

 

However children need help learning these concepts. A child will not learn the names, sounds, and shapes of letters simply by being around adults who like to read and who engage in reading. Children learn these concepts when adults take the time and effort to share experiences with oral and written language.

 

Preparing your child to read must take a step beyond this as well. Children's cognitive skills and knowledge are frequently thought of as core ingredients in the recipe for success in school. Children's language/literacy refers to both their oral communication (language) and understanding of the written word (literacy). The concept of general knowledge refers to children's conceptions and understandings of the world around them.

 

As children enter kindergarten for the first time, they differ in their cognitive skills and knowledge. Studies of first-time kindergartners indicate that children's reading, mathematics, and general knowledge are related to their age as they enter kindergarten, the level of their mother's education, their family type, the primary language spoken in the home, and their race/ethnicity.

 

The undisputed purpose of learning to read is to comprehend. Even before children can read for themselves, it can help them to build vital background knowledge by having adults read to them interactively and frequently. This means not only is the book or story shared with the child -- but then the reader and the child discuss the book and the world, characters, and events it introduces. It is important for parents who want to build their child's cognitive readiness to actually choose of variety of texts that will expand what their children know about the world around them. Further, comprehension is enhanced through discussion of the text which in turn might lead to seeking out further text on this or related subjects. Effective instruction will help the reader actively relate his or her own knowledge or experience to the ideas written in the text, and then remember the ideas that he or she has come to understand.

 

Helping your child become cognitively ready for reading will also include giving your child diverse experiences in the world and with events and people so they can make connections between the real world and their reading. This does not have to mean extensive travel or expensive outings. Many times simply taking children to various events and places within your community can provide experience with people of different ages and ethnic backgrounds, for example.

 

Ultimately, children's ability to understand what they are reading is inextricably linked to their background knowledge. Very young children who are provided opportunities to learn, think, and talk about new areas of knowledge will gain much from the reading process. With understanding comes the clear desire to read more and to read frequently, ensuring that reading practice takes place.

 

Some things you can do to help cognitively prepare your child for reading:

 

    * Read new stories and reread old stories every day.

    * Help extend their experience with the words, language, and ideas in books by interactively reading to them every day.

    * Relate information in books to other events of interest to children, such as holidays, pets, siblings, and games. Engage children in discussion of the topics.

    * In both stories and informational texts, encourage wondering. For example, "What will happen next?" or "Have you ever seen someone do that?"

    * Point out how titles and headings as well as text when you are reading.

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Potty Training –Not For the Faint of Heart

If you’ve determined that your child is ready for potty training, it’s time to take the plunge. It’s not easy, but don’t despair, your child will master potty training some time before kindergarten. It’s important to make sure you’re ready, too, because potty training requires a lot of commitment on the part of the Mom.

 

First, you need to make potty training a project. If your child is really ready, and you make the commitment to focus on it, many children can be trained in about a week. But, you’ve got to stay on top of it to make it go quickly. Here are some tips to help you out.

 

Use the timer

Tell your child that when the bell rings, it’s time to race to the potty. Then set the timer for 20 minutes. When the timer goes off, race to the potty with the child and see if she can go. If not, set the timer for another 20 minutes and try again. As you determine the right interval, you can wait longer between alarms, but 20 minute intervals is a good place to start. Not only does this make a game for you and your toddler, it ensures that you won’t forget to ask if she needs to potty. Success breeds success here. If she can go for a long time without wetting her diaper, it will encourage her to remember. But, at first, you’ve got to remember.

 

Offer rewards

Offer some sort of reward every time your child goes in the potty. Double it if she tells you she needs to go and then actually goes. Every success should be wildly celebrated. We do our happy dance, sing our song and get stickers, each and every time.

 

Let the little one go naked

This tactic works best for those without carpet. Your child will really get the picture about how potty training works if he has an accident while wearing nothing on his bottom. It can be messy, but you’ll probably find that it really speeds up the process. It seems to work especially well with girls, as they really don’t like the feeling of wetness.

 

The most important aspect of potty training is diligence. There are lots of tools that can help you, like books and dolls with their own potty. But the number one factor in succeeding quickly is simply making potty training a priority, so get prepared. Plan ahead of time to make this week “potty training week” and then stick to the plan. Stay home as much as possible to make training easier. Before you know it, you’ll be kissing those diapers goodbye!

 

 

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Article Body:

If you’ve determined that your child is ready for potty training, it’s time to take the plunge. It’s not easy, but don’t despair, your child will master potty training some time before kindergarten. It’s important to make sure you’re ready, too, because potty training requires a lot of commitment on the part of the Mom.

 

First, you need to make potty training a project. If your child is really ready, and you make the commitment to focus on it, many children can be trained in about a week. But, you’ve got to stay on top of it to make it go quickly. Here are some tips to help you out.

 

Use the timer

Tell your child that when the bell rings, it’s time to race to the potty. Then set the timer for 20 minutes. When the timer goes off, race to the potty with the child and see if she can go. If not, set the timer for another 20 minutes and try again. As you determine the right interval, you can wait longer between alarms, but 20 minute intervals is a good place to start. Not only does this make a game for you and your toddler, it ensures that you won’t forget to ask if she needs to potty. Success breeds success here. If she can go for a long time without wetting her diaper, it will encourage her to remember. But, at first, you’ve got to remember.

 

Offer rewards

Offer some sort of reward every time your child goes in the potty. Double it if she tells you she needs to go and then actually goes. Every success should be wildly celebrated. We do our happy dance, sing our song and get stickers, each and every time.

 

Let the little one go naked

This tactic works best for those without carpet. Your child will really get the picture about how potty training works if he has an accident while wearing nothing on his bottom. It can be messy, but you’ll probably find that it really speeds up the process. It seems to work especially well with girls, as they really don’t like the feeling of wetness.

 

The most important aspect of potty training is diligence. There are lots of tools that can help you, like books and dolls with their own potty. But the number one factor in succeeding quickly is simply making potty training a priority, so get prepared. Plan ahead of time to make this week “potty training week” and then stick to the plan. Stay home as much as possible to make training easier. Before you know it, you’ll be kissing those diapers goodbye!

 

 

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Plan Ahead For Kindergarten Registration

It is that time of year again. If your child is already 5 or will be turning 5 on or before Oct. 1 (date depends on your state) then it is time to start thinking about registering your child for kindergarten. There are several steps involved in the kindergarten registration process.

 

If you are unfamiliar with the process, then it is a good idea to call the elementary or primary school your child will attend for more information. If you are not certain which school your child will attend then call the school district's main office.

 

While registration is free there are some costs associated with kindergarten registration. Your child will need a current physical (often documented on the state's medical exam form) and will need to be current on all vaccinations. Your child will also need a current eye exam (often documented on a state eye exam form).

 

Most schools also require a birth certificate and social security number.

 

Some schools require these five documents at the time of registration:

 

~ Birth certificate

~ Social security card

~ Current immunization record (on state certificate)

~ Current physical record (on state medical exam form)

~ Current eye exam (on state eye exam form)

 

Other schools are more flexible and allow registration with only some of the forms as long as all other information is provided by the time school starts.

 

Once your child is registered, then your child will be scheduled for a kindergarten screening in most school districts. The screening is conducted by one or more professional educators.

 

The purpose of the kindergarten screening is not to determine whether or not your child will be admitted to kindergarten but rather how your child's unique needs will be met in the coming school year. This means matching the right teacher, classroom, and program to your child.

 

Most often, kindergarten screening looks at six primary areas: cognitive skills, listening and sequencing skills, language skills, fine motor skills, gross motor skills, and social/emotional skills.

 

The kindergarten screening is not the final judgment on your parenting skills or your child's school readiness. It is simply the first time (in most cases) that the school district will have to assess your child. Early screening allows the school to help you prepare your child before school begins. You may be given a checklist, or other instructions, noting skills to work on with your child. Sometimes children with special needs may be flagged at this point. This can be very beneficial as the earlier intervention takes place the easier it may be for your child to stay on the same time table as his peers.

 

The kindergarten screening also allows the school to better match your child with a teacher, class, and program. Each child's kindergarten experience is unique depending on the level of their skills at entry and the rate of their progress after school starts. The activities and work your child engages in during kindergarten may not be identical to those of all classmates. Many schools break classes up into ability groups or even pull children out of class to work with peers of similar ability or need.

 

Identifying special needs, problems, or abilities early on helps the school plan for the coming year. Will there be sufficient demand for a gifted program or a remedial program, are examples of some of the questions that kindergarten screening helps the school answer.

 

While your local school must make a place for your child no matter when you register it is to everyone's benefit if you register as early as possible. The school needs an accurate enrollment projection but also needs to make educational plans that can most accurately be made after meeting and testing your child. In addition, your child benefits from early enrollment by allowing you to know what to do to prepare your child for kindergarten. Finally, your child is now on a list, which will allow the school to contact you regarding open house, information meetings, and other events.

 

For example, my local school district offers a special program a few weeks before school starts that allows some kindergarten students to start school early. The students can become familiar with the school building when it is not full (and not so frighteningly loud and busy) and begin working on some important skills, which may be interfering with their ability to succeed.

 

Kindergarten registration is a simple and necessary process, but it can be confusing if you don't know what to expect. Knowing what to do before you register, what to expect during registration, and what will follow registration can help make the process less frustrating and confusing for everyone involved.

 

 

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Parenting - The Irrational Vocation

The advent of cloning, surrogate motherhood, and the donation of gametes and sperm have shaken the traditional biological definition of parenthood to its foundations. The social roles of parents have similarly been recast by the decline of the nuclear family and the surge of alternative household formats.

 

Why do people become parents in the first place?

 

Raising children comprises equal measures of satisfaction and frustration. Parents often employ a psychological defense mechanism - known as "cognitive dissonance" - to suppress the negative aspects of parenting and to deny the unpalatable fact that raising children is time consuming, exhausting, and strains otherwise pleasurable and tranquil relationships to their limits.

 

Not to mention the fact that the gestational mother experiences “considerable discomfort, effort, and risk in the course of pregnancy and childbirth” (Narayan, U., and J.J. Bartkowiak (1999) Having and Raising Children: Unconventional Families, Hard Choices, and the Social Good University Park, PA: The Pennsylvania State University Press, Quoted in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy).

 

Parenting is possibly an irrational vocation, but humanity keeps breeding and procreating. It may well be the call of nature. All living species reproduce and most of them parent. Is maternity (and paternity) proof that, beneath the ephemeral veneer of civilization, we are still merely a kind of beast, subject to the impulses and hard-wired behavior that permeate the rest of the animal kingdom?

 

In his seminal tome, "The Selfish Gene", Richard Dawkins suggested that we copulate in order to preserve our genetic material by embedding it in the future gene pool. Survival itself - whether in the form of DNA, or, on a higher-level, as a species - determines our parenting instinct. Breeding and nurturing the young are mere safe conduct mechanisms, handing the precious cargo of genetics down generations of "organic containers".

 

Yet, surely, to ignore the epistemological and emotional realities of parenthood is misleadingly reductionistic. Moreover, Dawkins commits the scientific faux-pas of teleology. Nature has no purpose "in mind", mainly because it has no mind. Things simply are, period. That genes end up being forwarded in time does not entail that Nature (or, for that matter, "God") planned it this way. Arguments from design have long - and convincingly - been refuted by countless philosophers. 

 

Still, human beings do act intentionally. Back to square one: why bring children to the world and burden ourselves with decades of commitment to perfect strangers?

 

First hypothesis: offspring allow us to "delay" death. Our progeny are the medium through which our genetic material is propagated and immortalized. Additionally, by remembering us, our children "keep us alive" after physical death. 

 

These, of course, are self-delusional, self-serving, illusions. 

 

Our genetic material gets diluted with time. While it constitutes 50% of the first generation - it amounts to a measly 6% three generations later. If the everlastingness of one's unadulterated DNA was the paramount concern – incest would have been the norm.

 

As for one's enduring memory - well, do you recall or can you name your maternal or paternal great great grandfather? Of course you can't. So much for that. Intellectual feats or architectural monuments are far more potent mementos.

 

Still, we have been so well-indoctrinated that this misconception - that children equal immortality - yields a baby boom in each post war period. Having been existentially threatened, people multiply in the vain belief that they thus best protect their genetic heritage and their memory.

 

Let's study another explanation.

 

The utilitarian view is that one's offspring are an asset - kind of pension plan and insurance policy rolled into one. Children are still treated as a yielding property in many parts of the world. They plough fields and do menial jobs very effectively. People "hedge their bets" by bringing multiple copies of themselves to the world. Indeed, as infant mortality plunges - in the better-educated, higher income parts of the world - so does fecundity.

 

In the Western world, though, children have long ceased to be a profitable proposition. At present, they are more of an economic drag and a liability. Many continue to live with their parents into their thirties and consume the family's savings in college tuition, sumptuous weddings, expensive divorces, and parasitic habits. Alternatively, increasing mobility breaks families apart at an early stage. Either way, children are not longer the founts of emotional sustenance and monetary support they allegedly used to be.

 

How about this one then:

 

Procreation serves to preserve the cohesiveness of the family nucleus. It further bonds father to mother and strengthens the ties between siblings. Or is it the other way around and a cohesive and warm family is conductive to reproduction?

 

Both statements, alas, are false.

 

Stable and functional families sport far fewer children than abnormal or dysfunctional ones. Between one third and one half of all children are born in single parent or in other non-traditional, non-nuclear - typically poor and under-educated - households. In such families children are mostly born unwanted and unwelcome - the sad outcomes of accidents and mishaps, wrong fertility planning, lust gone awry and misguided turns of events.

 

The more sexually active people are and the less safe their desirous exploits – the more they are likely to end up with a bundle of joy (the American saccharine expression for a newborn). Many children are the results of sexual ignorance, bad timing, and a vigorous and undisciplined sexual drive among teenagers, the poor, and the less educated.

 

Still, there is no denying that most people want their kids and love them. They are attached to them and experience grief and bereavement when they die, depart, or are sick. Most parents find parenthood emotionally fulfilling, happiness-inducing, and highly satisfying. This pertains even to unplanned and initially unwanted new arrivals.

 

Could this be the missing link? Do fatherhood and motherhood revolve around self-gratification? Does it all boil down to the pleasure principle?

 

Childrearing may, indeed, be habit forming. Nine months of pregnancy and a host of social positive reinforcements and expectations condition the parents to do the job. Still, a living tot is nothing like the abstract concept. Babies cry, soil themselves and their environment, stink, and severely disrupt the lives of their parents. There is nothing too enticing here.

 

One's spawns are a risky venture. So many things can and go wrong.  So few expectations, wishes, and dreams are realized. So much pain is inflicted on the parents. And then the child runs off and his procreators are left to face the "empty nest". The emotional "returns" on a child are rarely commensurate with the magnitude of the investment.

 

If you eliminate the impossible, what is left - however improbable - must be the truth. People multiply because it provides them with narcissistic supply.

 

A Narcissist is a person who projects a (false) image unto others and uses the interest this generates to regulate a labile and grandiose sense of self-worth. The reactions garnered by the narcissist - attention, unconditional acceptance, adulation, admiration, affirmation - are collectively known as "narcissistic supply". The narcissist objectifies people and treats them as mere instruments of gratification.

 

Infants go through a phase of unbridled fantasy, tyrannical behavior, and perceived omnipotence. An adult narcissist, in other words, is still stuck in his "terrible twos" and is possessed with the emotional maturity of a toddler. To some degree, we are all narcissists. Yet, as we grow, we learn to empathize and to love ourselves and others.

 

This edifice of maturity is severely tested by newfound parenthood.

 

Babies evoke in the parent the most primordial drives, protective, animalistic instincts, the desire to merge with the newborn and a sense of terror generated by such a desire (a fear of vanishing and of being assimilated). Neonates engender in their parents an emotional regression.

 

The parents find themselves revisiting their own childhood even as they are caring for the newborn. The crumbling of decades and layers of personal growth is accompanied by a resurgence of the aforementioned early infancy narcissistic defenses. Parents - especially new ones - are gradually transformed into narcissists by this encounter and find in their children the perfect sources of narcissistic supply, euphemistically known as love. Really it is a form of symbiotic codependence of both parties.

 

Even the most balanced, most mature, most psychodynamically stable of parents finds such a flood of narcissistic supply irresistible and addictive. It enhances his or her self-confidence, buttresses self esteem, regulates the sense of self-worth, and projects a complimentary image of the parent to himself or herself.

 

It fast becomes indispensable, especially in the emotionally vulnerable position in which the parent finds herself, with the reawakening and repetition of all the unresolved conflicts that she had with her own parents.

 

If this theory is true, if breeding is merely about securing prime quality narcissistic supply, then the higher the self confidence, the self esteem, the self worth of the parent, the clearer and more realistic his self image, and the more abundant his other sources of narcissistic supply - the fewer children he will have. These predictions are borne out by reality.

 

The higher the education and the income of adults – and, consequently, the firmer their sense of self worth - the fewer children they have. Children are perceived as counter-productive: not only is their output (narcissistic supply) redundant, they hinder the parent's professional and pecuniary progress.

 

The more children people can economically afford – the fewer they have. This gives the lie to the Selfish Gene hypothesis. The more educated they are, the more they know about the world and about themselves, the less they seek to procreate. The more advanced the civilization, the more efforts it invests in preventing the birth of children. Contraceptives, family planning, and abortions are typical of affluent, well informed societies.

 

The more plentiful the narcissistic supply afforded by other sources – the lesser the emphasis on breeding. Freud described the mechanism of sublimation: the sex drive, the Eros (libido), can be "converted", "sublimated" into other activities. All the sublimatory channels - politics and art, for instance - are narcissistic and yield narcissistic supply. They render children superfluous. Creative people have fewer children than the average or none at all. This is because they are narcissistically self-sufficient.

 

The key to our determination to have children is our wish to experience the same unconditional love that we received from our mothers, this intoxicating feeling of being adored without caveats, for what we are, with no limits, reservations, or calculations. This is the most powerful, crystallized form of narcissistic supply. It nourishes our self-love, self worth and self-confidence. It infuses us with feelings of omnipotence and omniscience. In these and other respects, parenthood is a return to infancy.

 

 

Appendix

 

Question:

 

Is there a "typical" relationship between the narcissist and his family?

 

Answer:

 

We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires – a whole emotional baggage – from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.

 

The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealized and over-valued) or do not fulfill this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, and attention – in other words, externalized Ego boundary functions.

 

He does not require – nor does he seek – his parents' or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them.

He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars – their very self is a false one). He acts the pitiful, or, it’s opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual or physical capacities and achievements, or behavior patterns appreciated by the members of the family. When confronted with (younger) siblings or with his own children, the narcissist is likely to go through three phases:

 

At first, he perceives his offspring or siblings as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as the attention of his spouse, or mother, as the case may be. They intrude on his turf and invade the Pathological Narcissistic Space. The narcissist does his best to belittle them, hurt (even physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter-productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment ensues.

 

His aggression having failed to elicit Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist proceeds to indulge himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the birth of his children or to the introduction of new foci of attention to the family cell (even to a new pet!).

 

Whoever the narcissist perceives to be in competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible – the narcissist prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his offspring or siblings, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" targets).

 

Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolize their siblings or their newborn children. This way, indirectly, they benefit from the attention directed at the infants. The sibling or offspring become vicarious sources of Narcissistic Supply and proxies for the narcissist.

 

An example: by being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding father/brother he is"). He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.

 

As siblings or progeny grow older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolize him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur.

 

It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse - up to and including outright incest - is heightened. The narcissist is auto-erotic. He is the preferred object of his own sexual attraction. His siblings and his children share his genetic material. Molesting or having intercourse with them is as close as the narcissist gets to having sex with himself.

 

Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex in terms of annexation. The partner is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of the narcissist, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to the narcissist, is the ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of the other. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies.

 

Minors pose little danger of criticizing the narcissist or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist derives gratification from having coital relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies".

 

These roles – allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist – are best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not yet fully formed and independent. The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even judgmental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves.

 

As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements – which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.

 

This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time.

 

He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.

 

He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly – to justify his acts to himself – he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues.

 

To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) – but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?).

 

This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members – he tries to assimilate or annex of siblings or offspring – he obtains Narcissistic Supply from them – he overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources – as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviors – the narcissist devalues them – the narcissist feels stifled and trapped – the narcissist becomes paranoid – the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates.

 

This cycle characterizes not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (to him, they are the brightest, the most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives).

 

But following some anti-narcissistic behaviors on their part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite) – the narcissist devalues all these previously idealized individuals. Now that they have dared oppose him - they are judged by him to be stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them.

 

The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his scarce and invaluable resources (for instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a series of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors, which lead to the disintegration of his life.

 

Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his "death wish". What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.

 

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Yahtzee - an Educational Game?

Education can be "hidden" in a lot of toys and games.  When you think of educational toys and games for your children don't overlook some of the obvious ones.

 Today we will talk about Yahtzee, most say it is all in the luck of the roll.  That maybe true but there is some logic involved as well.  Do you use four ones for your four of a kind or do you try for sixes instead.  Do you go for your large straight when you have a 2, 3, 4, 5, or do you try in when you have a 1, 2, 4, 5?

 But besides the logic there is basic addition.  Learning to count by 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's, and 6's.  Then of course you need to total up the score.

 The game of Yahtzee doesn't take long and even if you are playing with a younger child that cannot add up the final scores just the exposure to counting by 2's and 5's for example will help them understand math concepts later on.

 Yahtzee is also great because it doesn't matter how many players you have, and you can even play by yourself and try to top your best score.

 Then you must not forget the sheer pleasure of spending time with your children doing something enjoyable.  Children flourish when attention is spent on them.  You don't have to plan an expensive trip to the amusement park to spend quality time with your children, just doing something that is enjoyable to both of you and giving them your attention is often enough.

 Start your children young introducing them to different concepts such as addition, reading, etc.  Young children love to learn and you will most often find a willing pupil that is excited to learn new things, especially when it is their favorite teacher instructing them, you.

 Your Personal Parenting Style and Your Child’s Sleep

 Good mothers and fathers come in many styles. Each one of us has different strengths, interests, and values that make us a great parent. Don’t let yourself become discouraged or disappointed when others ‘give you advice’ that doesn’t seem to mesh with who you are. Maybe you’re not a roll around on the floor kind of parent with your child.  Maybe you’ve decided to hang back and let your little one explore. That’s great! As long as it works for you and your child, nobody should be able to convince you that your method is incorrect or wrong. Once you recognize and embrace your own personal parenting style, you can stop trying to live up to everyone else's expectations and get on with the business of enjoying being a parent.

 It’s important to keep in mind too, that these well-meaning advice givers don’t know your child as well as you.  They aren’t there with your child night and day, watching him grow, learn, explore, play, eat, and sleep.  Only you know what’s best for your child, and you know what works best in your household and for your lifestyle.  As with anything, figuring things out along the way will involve trial and error. 

 So when you receive yet another unsolicited piece of advice regarding your child’s napping or nighttime sleeping habits, keep both your and your child’s personal style in mind.  You’ve done the legwork, you’ve experimented, and you’ve learned together what works and what doesn’t work.  The cues should come from your instincts regarding your child and from your child directly.  There’s no such thing as a hard-and-fast rule for sleep habits among children other than it is needed! As your child grows, his cues may change, but as long as you stay in tune with him, his sleep habits shouldn’t have to suffer as a result. And neither should yours.

 

Do Not Let Parenting Stress You Out

Parenting does not always have to be a stressful job. There are ways to take care of your kids without always getting stressed out. Here is a list of techniques that a person can use to help manage their daily stresses and anxieties while taking care of the kids.

 Share the responsibilities of being a parent with your spouse. Do not try to do everything all at once. If you and your spouse can learn to work together then parenting will not be as stressful. Your stress will decrease when you share the responsibilities in taking care of the kids.

 Many times we get overwhelmed with many different tasks that we face. When this happens, a person should stop what they are doing and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get their mind off of the problem. A person could take a walk, read a book, or watch some television to get their mind off of their problems. This will help you to refocus on your present situation.

 Do not put off tomorrow what you can do today. Things have a tendency to build up if you keep putting them off. Do what you can do today. If you have to help your kids with a school project, try to get started today instead of waiting till the end of the week. When the end of the week comes, you will feel better that you got started in this particular task.

 Learn to pace yourself. Don’t do too much because you will get burned out. A person can only do so much in a particular day. Stay organized and don’t do everything all at once. This will help you to manage your stress.

 Take a day to relax. Taking the day off to go to the beach or to go shopping will help you to relax. Let your babysitter or spouse take care of the kids for part of the day.

 Being a parent does not have to be that stressful. Finding ways to cope with your stresses will help you to enjoy taking care of the kids. If you have trouble doing this, then seek the services of a professional.

Do You Show Your Love To Your Child?

Show-and-Tell in various forms is a popular feature of many preschool classrooms.  When you watch children making their presentation you understand the popularity of show-and-tell.  Kids love to talk about their interests and passions but they love to share those interests and passions even more.

 Kids are all about show. As a parent you know this. We have to demonstrate and lead our children by the hand through every lesson--both big and small.

 So why do we so often think it is enough to simply tell our children that we love them?  It isn't enough.  Love is the biggest show-and-tell of them all and you need to make it a part of your everyday life.

 Children do as we do, not as we say, and down the road do we really want our children simply mouthing the word: "I love you" to us as they rush out the door? Or do we want them to show us in many ways?

 This is why it is crucial to show your child that you love him.

 Hugs and kisses are good. So are tickles and games. My son and I have little bedtime rituals that allow us to show our love for each other. We snuggle for bedtime stories and talk about the day. Then we come up with ridiculous ways to count how much we love each other, for example 12,567 heffalumps was one recent description. Then we butterfly kiss, Eskimo kiss, and finally squish and smooch (our code words for hugs and kisses).

 However these are not the only ways that I demonstrate my love for my son.

 When I was growing up I never doubted that my parents loved me. They made very clear that my brother and I were a top priority for them. They sacrificed professionally and personally to give us time together as a family. My father coached; my parents chaperoned, volunteered, and chauffeured; and my parents attended every school function, play, concert, and game.

 More than that though my parents took an interest in us as people and would play games or ride bikes. They would simply spend time with us doing the things that we liked doing.

It really isn't just about time. After all, both my parents worked and were active in the community. My mother was the only working mother in the neighborhood when I was a child.

 It is a question of priorities. YOU know that your child is your top priority, but what do your actions tell your child? If repeatedly your actions put something or someone else before your child then they are going to get that message loud and clear no matter what is in your heart.

 Most days my husband leaves for work before our son is even awake, but when he comes home in the evening the first thing he does is scoop Noah up for a tickle and hug. Sometimes Noah even makes his father chase him because he knows that his father will. Noah knows that he is a priority for his father and he trusts that love.

 So how can you show your child he is a priority? How can you demonstrate your love for your child? Find some way every day to show as well as tell your child of your love. Some ways we do this in our home:

 

                ~ Skip dinner preparations and make a picnic together to eat at the location of the child's choice. Noah's favorite is up in his tower.

                 ~ Clicking off the TV to lay on the floor and layout a train track. Coming up with new designs can actually be pretty relaxing for the parent after a stressful day!

                 ~ Going for a walk and just talking about whatever comes up. This is one of Noah's favorites!

                 ~ Setting down my own book to read Noah one of his.

                 ~ Putting off kitchen cleanup to go outside and play soccer or tag.

  Notice what all these actions have in common? They don't involve money, just your time and attention. That is the gift your child values above all else. Sure they'd like that latest toy and gadget they see advertised on TV, but they love you and long after that toy is abandoned in the back of their closet they will still choose to spend time with you.