Do You Need Childcare When You Work At Home?

Many parents decide to work at home because they want more time with their families. They hope to be able to take care of their kids themselves rather than pay for any sort of childcare. But is this really practical?

 The answer really depends on your situation. There are a lot of factors to consider when taking a realistic look at what is best for you and your children.

 How old are your kids?

 The older they are, the less help you will probably need. Babies and toddlers are home a lot more than school age children, and need a lot of care. They also won’t understand if you need quiet in order to work.

 How strict is your schedule?

 If you absolutely have to work certain hours, some form of childcare can help you keep your hours. On the other hand, if you can do a little work here, a little work there, and a lot after the kids are in bed, you might be able to get away without childcare.

 How much do you really NEED quiet in order to work?

 Even if your kids are older, the more quiet you need in order to work, the more help you may need. Obviously, if you have to close your office door in order to work, there needs to be someone responsible for the children. You can teach your kids when to bother you, but you’ll be interrupted less if there’s someone else they can ask first for whatever they need.

How many hours do you need to work?

 If you need to work more hours than the kids are in school, or your hours aren’t during their school hours, it is quite possible that you will need help.

 Can your kids help you work?

 Once your kids are old enough, it’s a good idea to let them help in appropriate ways. Whether you have a work at home job or a home business, involving your children lets them get a glimpse into what it is you really do. Who knows, you might even inspire them later in life!

 How much help can you expect from your spouse?

 If you can work when your spouse is home, and they are supportive of what you are doing, there’s your childcare solution right there. On the other hand, if your hours don’t match up to when your spouse is available, or your spouse is simply uncooperative about taking care of the kids, you might just need some extra help.

 How serious are you about what you do?

 This doesn’t mean that if you don’t use childcare you aren’t serious about working at home, but it does mean you need to think your priorities through. If you’re going to be completely focused on your work at home job or home business, it’s easy to forget to be a parent, and it’s all too easy to tell the kids you’ll play with them later, read to them later… then it’s bedtime and your kids have seen less of you than if you worked outside the home.

 There may be other factors as well that you will need to consider when you work at home. Working at home isn’t something that just happens – it requires at least a little planning if you want to succeed.

 Please note, when I say childcare, I’m not necessarily saying send your kids to a daycare. There are plenty of other options. You can hire an older neighbor child to help or you can trade babysitting with a fellow stay at home parent. Maybe your children’s grandparents are local, retired and willing. If you can keep the kids at home, giving them lunch or playing a quick game is a great way to take a break from work, but sometimes you may need to have someone outside your home take care of them. Your options will depend on your particular situation, but in many times you can do something other than pay for your kids to attend an actual daycare.

 You may have decided to work at home for the best of reasons – to have more time for your family – but make sure you don’t neglect them in the process. It’s all too easy to let your work at home take over your entire home life. A little bit of extra help with the kids when you absolutely have to work can help you to work more efficiently while still being there for your kids when they need you.

 Don’t forget to leave time for fun with the kids!

 

 

Do You Show Your Love To Your Child?

Show-and-Tell in various forms is a popular feature of many preschool classrooms.  When you watch children making their presentation you understand the popularity of show-and-tell.  Kids love to talk about their interests and passions but they love to share those interests and passions even more.

 Kids are all about show. As a parent you know this. We have to demonstrate and lead our children by the hand through every lesson--both big and small.

 So why do we so often think it is enough to simply tell our children that we love them?  It isn't enough.  Love is the biggest show-and-tell of them all and you need to make it a part of your everyday life.

 Children do as we do, not as we say, and down the road do we really want our children simply mouthing the word: "I love you" to us as they rush out the door? Or do we want them to show us in many ways?

 This is why it is crucial to show your child that you love him.

 Hugs and kisses are good. So are tickles and games. My son and I have little bedtime rituals that allow us to show our love for each other. We snuggle for bedtime stories and talk about the day. Then we come up with ridiculous ways to count how much we love each other, for example 12,567 heffalumps was one recent description. Then we butterfly kiss, Eskimo kiss, and finally squish and smooch (our code words for hugs and kisses).

 However these are not the only ways that I demonstrate my love for my son.

 When I was growing up I never doubted that my parents loved me. They made very clear that my brother and I were a top priority for them. They sacrificed professionally and personally to give us time together as a family. My father coached; my parents chaperoned, volunteered, and chauffeured; and my parents attended every school function, play, concert, and game.

 More than that though my parents took an interest in us as people and would play games or ride bikes. They would simply spend time with us doing the things that we liked doing.

It really isn't just about time. After all, both my parents worked and were active in the community. My mother was the only working mother in the neighborhood when I was a child.

 It is a question of priorities. YOU know that your child is your top priority, but what do your actions tell your child? If repeatedly your actions put something or someone else before your child then they are going to get that message loud and clear no matter what is in your heart.

 Most days my husband leaves for work before our son is even awake, but when he comes home in the evening the first thing he does is scoop Noah up for a tickle and hug. Sometimes Noah even makes his father chase him because he knows that his father will. Noah knows that he is a priority for his father and he trusts that love.

 So how can you show your child he is a priority? How can you demonstrate your love for your child? Find some way every day to show as well as tell your child of your love. Some ways we do this in our home:

 

                ~ Skip dinner preparations and make a picnic together to eat at the location of the child's choice. Noah's favorite is up in his tower.

                 ~ Clicking off the TV to lay on the floor and layout a train track. Coming up with new designs can actually be pretty relaxing for the parent after a stressful day!

                 ~ Going for a walk and just talking about whatever comes up. This is one of Noah's favorites!

                 ~ Setting down my own book to read Noah one of his.

                 ~ Putting off kitchen cleanup to go outside and play soccer or tag.

  Notice what all these actions have in common? They don't involve money, just your time and attention. That is the gift your child values above all else. Sure they'd like that latest toy and gadget they see advertised on TV, but they love you and long after that toy is abandoned in the back of their closet they will still choose to spend time with you.

 

 

Do You Want Your Children to Be Like You?

There is an old saying regarding children: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Whoever coined this phrase didn’t know much about children. Children often do not “do as we say.” We are the role models regarding how our children learn to treat themselves and others. We are the role models regarding whether or not our children learn to take personal responsibility for themselves – physically, emotionally, financially, relationally, spiritually, and organizationally.

 Do you avoid responsibility for your own feelings with substances, activities, or with shaming and blaming behavior toward yourself or others? Are you always late and is your desk a mess? Do you eat poorly and lack exercise? Are you always in major credit card debt? Do you lack a relationship with a spiritual source of love and guidance?

 If you want your children to be on time, then you need to be on time. If you want your children to be healthy and fit, then you need to be healthy and fit. If you want your children to be honest, then you need to be honest. If you want to raise happy and peaceful children, then you need to role model how to be happy and peaceful. If you want your children to have high self-esteem, then you need to learn to treat yourself and them with kindness and caring. If you treat your children with caring and respect, but your children experience you shaming yourself and treating yourself as if your feelings and needs are not important, there is a good chance they will learn to disrespect themselves as well.

 For example, Martin grew up in a family where both of his parents were high achievers and made tons of money. But his mother was a highly judgmental woman and his father was always unhappy and worried about something. Is it any surprise that Martin does well financially, yet is constantly judging himself and others and is often agitated over minor things?

 Angie grew up with a mother who was totally devoted to her. In Angie’s mind, her mother was the ideal mother – kind, compassionate, and always ready to listen to Angie and help her with her problems. Her hardworking father was also a kind and caring person. Yet Angie has a hard time taking loving care of herself. She ignores responsibility for her own feelings, does not feed herself well, is often judgmental toward herself, and has a hard time getting things done. She is constantly seeking out a man to fill her up and make her feel worthy. How did this happen with such loving parents?

 While Angie’s parents were loving to her, they were not loving to themselves. Angie’s mother used food to avoid her feelings, and was always giving herself up to please others. In addition, she could never quite get organized and was always late. Angie’s father spent his life working hard and using the TV to avoid his feelings. Neither of Angie’s parents role modeled personal responsibility for their physical and emotional health. Angie was shaped far more by how they treated themselves than how they treated her. In fact, because they treated her so lovingly and treated themselves so unlovingly, Angie grew up believing that it was others’ responsibility to love her and fill her, rather than her own responsibility. She grew up being needy and demanding, rather than personally responsible.

 Do you want your children to be like you? As a parent, it is very important to take a look at what you are role modeling for your children – not only regarding how you treat others, but how you treat yourself. If there are certain values that you want your children to have when they grow up, they are far more likely to have your values if they deeply respect you. And they will not respect you if you do not treat yourself with respect. It is highly important, if you want your children to be happy, healthy, and personally responsible, to be a role model of happiness, health and personal responsibility.

 

Discipline Versus Punishment

Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment with their Latin roots? Punishment implies inflicting pain, while discipline means to teach. Parents who use punishment are missing important opportunities to teach their children better behaviors and help them self-discipline. Children can actually be taught responsible behaviors to help them get the things they want without breaking the rules.

 

However, when parents are only interested in compliance, they often impose strict and severe consequences to stop or prevent the behavior. This generally leaves the child not thinking about how they were wrong and need to develop more appropriate behavior, but leaves them instead thinking about how unfair their parent is.

 

Punishment generally teaches children to become better at not getting caught, rather than stopping the undesirable behavior.

 

All behavior is purposeful. We don’t engage in behavior—responsible or not—for no reason. Everything a person does is that person’s best attempt to get at least one of his or her needs met in the best way available at that time. Children do not set out to be intentionally “bad.” The “bad” behaviors they engage in are helping them to meet a need they have, which is why they do it.

 

Punishing children for attempting to get their needs met does not stop them from needing to get their needs met. If a child is attempting to get their need for freedom met by being with people of whom the parent doesn’t approve, that freedom need does not go away by punishing the child. In fact, often punishment restricts the freedom need even further, making it more likely that the child will engage in more severe and desperate ways of meeting their freedom need.

 

For example, if the child is grounded for being with people the parent disapproves of, then they may end up disrespecting the grounding and attempting to go out anyway. Then, it will become necessary for the parent to become more severe in their punishment to attempt to gain control.

 

The interesting thing about control is that we really don’t have control over our children. We cannot be with them 24/7 and thus, we really don’t know what they are doing when they are out of our site. We may think we are controlling them by grounding them, but are they sneaking out? If not, what happens when the grounding is lifted?

 

Instead of punishing, let’s look at what it might be like to teach self-discipline instead. Let’s say your child has a habit of not abiding by his or her curfew. The child agrees to the curfew and then chronically comes home late espousing sincere apologies. Naturally, you want to ground them or make them come home even earlier the next time to make up for the infraction.

 

What do you think would happen if you had a different conversation? What would happen if you attempted to learn what the child was doing that prevented them from being home on time? What would happen if you believed your child when he said he really lost track of time because he got so involved in the game of basketball he was playing with his friend? Your child tells you he meant to be home on time but simply lost track of time.

 

If your goal is to help teach self-discipline, wouldn’t it make sense to help your child find a way to independently remind himself of his curfew. Perhaps he could get a watch with an alarm on it. Or if he has a cell phone, have him set the alarm on it with enough time for him to get home at the agreed upon time.

 

Maybe in your conversation, you learn that your child no longer believes his curfew is appropriate. Perhaps he thinks because he is older, he should be permitted to stay out later. You may review your expectations and realize that he is right. The curfew you have set may be too early for his age. In this case, you might be willing to adjust the curfew to a later time as long as there is compliance with the new curfew.

 

There are several solutions for every situation and remember every child and every set of circumstances is unique. Take the time to talk to your child to determine why they are breaking the rules and then help them figure out a way to honor the rules and still get what they need in their lives.

 

When you do, you will have a much more harmonious home and your children will be learning self-discipline skills so that by the time they no longer live with you, you can be reasonably assured that they will be able to take care of themselves. After all, isn’t that what you REALLY want?

 

 

Dealing With the Stress Of Being A Parent

Becoming a parent is a life changing event, and while bringing up children certainly can be a joyful experience there's no denying that it can also place huge stresses on you as a mother or father. Commonly recommended ways of dealing with stress in other areas of life tend to involve 'getting away from it all', such as visits to the gym or a game of squash to release the tension. However, being a parent is a full time job and it's not always possible to take time out in this way.

 Luckily, there are several ways of dealing with your stress that actively involve your children, and so are much easier to apply to your day to day life. You'll also probably find that enjoying time with your children while simultaneously lowering your stress levels will deepen your mutual bonds and strengthen your relationship - which sounds like a good thing all around!

 Once your child is old enough to walk, you'll likely find yourself constantly watching out for them as they use their seemingly unlimited energy to explore both their environment and their own physical skills and potentials. This can sometimes be draining of the parents' energy and a factor of stress, but why not use the situation to your advantage? Harness their energy and curiosity by taking them to a safe place such as a park or the open country, and join in with their games in the sunshine and fresh air. Exercise is a proven stress-buster, and outdoor fun with your kids is probably more enjoyable than a gym workout, and almost certainly less expensive!

 Artistic expression is good for your child's development, and also good for the parent's soul. Join in with your child's painting sessions, let yourself go, and get as covered in paint as she does. You might not create a masterpiece, but you'll have fun together and this small reversion to your own childhood can provide relief from your stressed adult world.

 In a similar vein, music can be another great aid in the battle against stress. Maybe the most obvious way of using music is to choose something mellow and relaxing, but this is unlikely to appeal to your child as much as it does to you, and so is perhaps best left until after they're in bed and you can listen in peace. A better choice is a piece of music that has energy and encourages dancing. Your child will need no encouragement to get down and boogie, but maybe you will - try it, let yourself go a little, jump around a bit, and you can both laugh with each other and at yourselves.

If you're still feeling stressed, then head for your child's toy box and choose the noisiest toy you can find. Something like a drum is ideal. Let out your pent up frustrations by making a total racket - your child may be bemused at first but should soon enter into the spirit of things. One thing to bear in mind though, is that this last activity is perhaps best conducted in the safety of your own home, and away from the eyes of non-parent adults who may not quite understand!

 

 

 

... And she pushed them, and they flew! More inspiration for control freak parents

You cannot catch a child’s spirit by running after it.  You must stand still, and for love it will soon itself return. 

 -Arthur Miller

 

This became evident to me several summers ago, when I spent 6 weeks suffering with a severe case of hives all over my body.  When the itching first began, the only way to find relief was to lie absolutely motionless.

 

My kids, who are delightfully self-entertaining, went about their business for the first few hours, checking in on me occasionally to see if I needed anything.  As the day wore on, they realized that I was a sitting duck.  They set up camp on my king size bed, and we proceeded to have some very deep and thought-provoking conversations. 

 

I doubt these interactions would have occurred if I had been my usual productive and bustling self.  I probably would have interrupted the quiet time that was necessary for their questions to emerge in order to jump up and fold the laundry before it wrinkled. 

 

I hardly ever sit still when I’m healthy.  There’s always so much to do.  Hives taught me lots of important things ... not the least of which is that the world will not collapse if I don’t hold it up.  Sure, I fell behind on things.  For the first time in my life I left phone calls unreturned, and dishes in the sink, and laundry wet and wrinkled for days. 

 

But the sun continued to rise and set anyway.  I didn’t lose any friends due to my poor response time.  And my kids learned how to take care of dirty dishes and clothes.

 

My son is a budding chef, and he had lots more freedom in the kitchen when I wasn’t there telling him what to do or how to do it better.  He was so proud to serve us the delicious meals he had prepared.

 

I’m sure you know where I’m going with this.  Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is drop out and let them experience their own competence.  My kids blossomed during my down time.  I think it was really great for them to feel needed and important; to make a contribution to the family that really mattered. 

 

Yeah, it’s sad that it took a nasty case of hives for me to realize that I was not giving them enough opportunities to experience their own competence, but so be it.  Now I know.  These are true confessions of a compulsive caretaker.

 

Testing my lessons learned, I asked my son if he would fix a towel hook that had fallen off the wall.  He seized the mission with zest, gathering all his tools together and tackling the problem with great concentration.

 

I stayed busy elsewhere in the house and left him alone.  I’ll never forget the look on his face when he came to tell me the job was done.  Not only had he fixed the hook, but he had even cleaned up the mess and put all the tools away!

 

I’ve realized that the best way to love my kids has changed as they’ve grown older.  It’s not so much about taking care of them anymore.  Now they need opportunities to discover their ability to take care of themselves. 

 

I’ve graduated from being their source to being their resource.  My job has changed from doing things for them to expressing my confidence that they can learn to do things for themselves.

 

Just in the nick of time, too.  I’ve been craving uninterrupted opportunities to write and think and meditate.  I’m relieved to know that I can take this time for myself without feeling that I am depriving them somehow. 

 

I guess I needed the reassurance that it was ok, even good for them, that I wanted space to myself.  Mama Bird at some point needs to get tough on her babies while getting them ready to fly.  Maybe Mother Nature gives her a helping hand by offering her the tool of irritation to toughen her up so she does what must be done.

 

Traditionally it’s been hard for me to trust that even my irritation could be ok.  Once more, I have been reminded that all is truly as it should be.  And for that, I am grateful.

 

 

 

 

5 Reasons For Parents To Love Audio Books

Quick pop quiz! How can you accomplish the following things with the push of a button:

Help your kids improve their reading skills?

Grow their vocabulary?

Help them sit quietly (willingly!)? and

Entertain them too?

Easy- Play audiobooks!

That's right Mom and Dad, listening to books on tape provide all these benefits and more.

Did you know that for a significant part of their childhood, your kids' intellectual capacity will be greater than their reading ability? That means that they can understand material when it is read aloud to them that they would not be able to read. Interesting isn't it?

My kids love audiobooks and I love that they love them. As a homeschooling Mom of 4 kids, I do a lot of reading aloud. Audiobooks give my voice a little break.

You can play books on tape when you're in the car running errands. Naptime and bedtime are also favorite times to listen to a story. (And if your kids are like mine, you wear out long before they do so books on tape are a lifesaver for helping them nod off after you've done the bedtime story!)

  Listening to audio books strengthens your child's ability to listen, a skill very crucial for their academic achievement.

Audio books also let your child hear fluent reading with a bit of flair... a lot of them are read by the author or professional actors.

If your child is struggling with reading, audio books associate reading with pleasure...so important if your child is to develop a lifelong love of reading!

Audio books help your child learn to visualize a story by using their imagination instead of the pictures (in contrast, watching television trains the brain to be lazy and rely on

images).

Why not get your child on the fast track to reading success with the push of the play button too?

  To get you started, here are some of my kids' favorite titles:

Charlotte's Web (read by the Author, E.B. White)

The Jamie Lee Curtis collection (And I dare you to get through "Tell me about the night I was born" without crying!)

A New Coat for Anna

The Maurice Sendak collection

The B.F.G. by Roald Dahl

Have fun listening together!

7 Safety Tips For School Kids

Travelling to and from school is often not very safe. However, there are some simple rules that can help to make the school journeys safer, ensuring peace of mind for both children and parents.
1. Waiting for the school bus in the mornings, while traffic is at its busiest, requires a degree of common sense. Try to have a safe place for children to wait away from the street and heavy traffic.

2. Don’t let children move close to the school bus until it has come to a complete stop and the driver has signalled that it is safe to board.

3. At the end of the school day when children leave the bus, instruct your child to move away from the vehicle at least a dozen large strides to a point where the driver can clearly see them. This helps the driver and keeps the child safe as well.

4. Instruct your child to keep a close eye on all traffic near the school bus. The law has some special protection measures for school buses, but car drivers are only human, and they can and often do make mistakes.

5. If your child walks to school, make sure he or she wears reflective material. Aim to make them as visible as possible to all drivers. This will help to avoid accidents.

6. If a child rides a bike to school, instruct them to walk the bike through intersections, observe all traffic light signals, and be wearing reflective material. They should also be with a friend if possible as one can help to look out for the other.

7. If you take your own child to school in your car, always have older children in a seat with a safety belt on, younger children in a booster seat with a safety belt on, and very small children in special safety seats, all seated in the back with only you, the driver, in the front.

4 Parenting Styles

Every grandmother and grandfather will tell you hilarious stories of their children when they were first born. And for every funny and touching story they have, they will be able to tell you another for every hardship they encountered. Parenting is something that is done in many different ways by each parent. The following are four general styles employed by parents.

  Authority: Authoritarian parents rule on just that: authority. Commands are given to children that they must follow regardless of the circumstances. If these commands are not followed, harsh punishment will ensue. These parents do not welcome feedback from their children. In fact, it is met with severe punishment. The children tend to be quiet and unhappy. They have more of a fear than a love for their parents. Male children have trouble dealing with anger and female children have trouble facing adversity due to their heavily structured life where nothing ever changes.
 

Indulgent: Indulgent parents tend to be described as lenient. They allow immature and childish behavior. These parents expect the children to learn from their mistakes and to fend for themselves in most times of need. These parents tend to be democratic and allow for feedback from their children on issues. They will hear both sides of an argument and usually make a compromise. Indulgent parents usually avoid confrontation with their children by all means, but do tend to be more involved and emotionally closer to their children.
 

Authoritative: Authoritative parents are a combination of the two styles previously mentioned. They are the happy medium. While expecting proper behavior from their children, they welcome feedback and questioning on certain issues. They’re able to demand things of their children but are also able to respond to what their child says, questions and requests. These children tend to be the happiest, most confident and self assured of all the mentioned parenting styles. It is very difficult to be a purely authoritative parent.
 

Passive: Passive parenting is being completely uninvolved. These parents may never be home due to immaturity, work or the like. These children are usually raised by grandparents, older siblings, babysitters or themselves. There is no parental involvement at all.

  We wish you many happy stories!

4 Blocks to Building a Lifelong Relationship with Your Daughter

As with every generation, mothers and daughters share a special bond.  Though one is not quite a woman and one, in many ways, is still no longer a girl – they each bear the qualities of each other.  Little girls want to grow up fast, and dear sweet moms want to regain their youth.  Mothers also know how important it is to be a good role model for their daughters.
So, with only the best of intentions, moms and daughters travel their journeys through life.  It is every mother’s hope that their daughter grow to be strong, independent, caring, and giving.  A mother’s dream is to enjoy the fruits of her labor (no pun intended) …to know that her daughter is happy, confident, and kind to all.  There are many detours and roadblocks along the way, but you can overcome them using these four building blocks to obtain and maintain a relationship with your daughter that will last a lifetime!  Because of your efforts in developing this relationship now, not only will you enjoy a close unique friendship with your daughter, you will also pass on to her the wonderful gift of future strong relationships with her own children.  Really, what can be more important and rewarding than that?  Not much, it ranks right up there at the top!
Life is based on building blocks.  Relationships, too, are based on the same.  Given the tools, you can build yours strong…strong to last the bumps in the road and the trials of life.  A strong foundation provides the anchors to weather any storm.  It’s never too late to begin.  With each new day comes renewal, forgiveness, and a positive step towards building once again. 
  BLOCK #1…TRUST.  Without trust, any relationship doesn’t stand a chance!  Trust often is confused as a “given”.  A God given right!  As a loving mother, your daughter has grown to trust YOU.  She knows you will pick her up when you say you will.  She knows that she is cared for and provided for by YOU.  Your daughter also knows your love is unconditional and that regardless of her doings, you’ll be there.  She might get yelled at, but she TRUSTS you above all.  Realize that YOU have earned her trust through word, credibility, and actions. 
How about her perception of earning trust?  Each young lady must understand that TRUST is earned.  The same way YOU earned her trust in YOU!   Ask yourself:  Why is it that sometimes we feel the need to accredit our children with attributes that should be earned?  Our daughters need to understand that trust is patient.  The small steps/small rewards process is a journey to gaining their independence.  They need to take responsibility for earning the trust, and guarding it dearly, as one of the most valuable aspects of your shared relationship.  When you, as her mother, make this important, it becomes important.

 There are five steps to establishing trust between a mother and a daughter.  Each is important and well guarded.  They include:  HONESTY; AWARENESS; FOLLOW UP; CONSEQUENCE; and finally, PRIVILEGE.  Knowing each of them and how to apply these steps to a working relationship is key in maintaining a loving relationship.
 
BLOCK #2…COMMUNICATION.  Funny when our children are born, we seem so in tuned to their needs.  We know the difference between a hungry cry and a mad cry.  We can sense the slight mood change and worry for hours that there is a cold coming on.  As our little girls grow, we teach them to talk.  We repeat sounds and clap for joy when they say “ball” and “Mama”.  We are elated to know that our little girls are on their way.  We pay close attention to all of their needs and kiss them softly and quietly goodnight. 
Just because we teach language, an ensemble of “sounds” does not mean we teach communication.  Communication as defined by Webster is: an act of transmitting OR an exchange of information or opinions.  Think about this, “an act of transmitting” which can mean giving orders, commands, and/or instructions.  This of course is necessary at times.  It means we mean what we say – and do it!  No questions, no discussion.  This form of communication is certainly acceptable and appropriate at times.
  Taking the other side of the definition, “an exchange of information” we understand this to be a form of exploring another’s opinion, thoughts, and logic.  This too is very important.  As a matter of fact, this is the foundation of effective communication involving two people. 
When does it start?  As our girls learn their words at the age of 2, they also begin to learn communication skills.  These skills are mostly taught by our physical reactions and not our verbal capabilities.
Physical reactions involve the delivery of our words, the tone of our voices, and the actions of our body.  It is not about getting through – it’s about logical reasoning and openness to understanding another human being.  Since your daughter has already achieved a level of trust in you, she will embrace your skills of communication if delivered in a manner that support her best interests without threatening her own desires.  YOU, as the parent, are in control at all times.  YOU just need the tools to help educate your daughter on the ways of the world.  With these tools and exercises, you are able to begin to lay the strong foundation of open-minded, free exchange of information without losing your position of authority.  Remember communication can be a “two way street” or a single command.  Your choice, your control.
  BLOCK #3…EFFECTIVE LISTENING.  Now that we have defined communication, I urge you…don’t spend too much time talking.  Teach by actions as well! How?  It’s easy…(once you understand how). Spend a lot of time listening!!!  Effective listening provides an avenue showing insight into your daughter’s life.  There is so much you can learn by listening and observing.  Listening not only involves what your daughter says, it involves what others say too.  This includes her friends, teachers, enemies and anyone she has contact with.  I’m not suggesting you spy or have “reports back”.  Just listen – you’ll learn more than you can imagine.  Listening is a skill.  Creating environments of opportunity is what you want to do.  For example…Car pools are painful to be sure, but when you pick up a bunch of her friends, keep the music to a soft level -  don’t talk – just listen!  The girls will be open with their chatter and you’ll be able to interpret not only the quality of her friendships, but the collective views of the group.  This can be very valuable in future conversations you may have with your daughter.  It’s also a great way to get to know her friends!  Subtle suggestions from your side will have a better impact if you are more informed...remember what you learned regarding communication…Since your daughter has already achieved a level of trust in you, she will embrace your skills of communication if delivered in a manner that support her best interests without threatening her own desires.  YOU, as the parent, are in control at all times.
 

BLOCK #4…LETTING GO.  Letting go is the ongoing process we all deal with.  When, how, just enough, not too much.  Knowing when to allow your daughter to find her way and knowing when to hold her hand and guide her.  There will be times when your heart breaks for her, when you want to  take her pain, her place, her path – but the same lessons we’ve learned, so too shall they. We realize we can’t (and should not) always shield her from everything.  If you think about it, looking back on our own life – some of the most painful situations taught us the most powerful life lessons.  Whether that was empathy and compassion for others, or our ability to forgive and move on; whatever crisis we face we have a choice – We can choose to be “bitter or better”.  It’s a choice.  In being there for your daughter, while letting go you provide the strength she’ll need to stand on her own.  Through pain we grow and through growth we become whole.  Sometimes there are no words, sometimes silence and solidarity speak louder than any great speech.  If you have built upon the three previous blocks, letting go will be a natural process of love.  There is no fear where love dwells. Your goal is accomplished – you have the strong foundation for a lifelong, healthy relationship with your daughter.
Being there involves just that…being there as a friend, a parent, a role model, a mother.  Learning today how to build and enjoy a mother/daughter relationship is the best gift you will ever give to both yourself and your daughter.  This is a gift that can be passed down from generation to generation, building stronger and deeper each time. 
Learning about enriching your relationship with your daughter is one of the most valuable educations you will ever do for yourself.  The building blocks can show you the way.  From beautiful baby girl in your arms, through the turbulent teens, the age of independence and self discovery, to watching her gain total confident independence.  Your reward is knowing that your job of parenting has now become your fruit of friendship.

Discipline Versus Punishment

Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment with their Latin roots? Punishment implies inflicting pain, while discipline means to teach. Parents who use punishment are missing important opportunities to teach their children better behaviors and help them self-discipline. Children can actually be taught responsible behaviors to help them get the things they want without breaking the rules.

 However, when parents are only interested in compliance, they often impose strict and severe consequences to stop or prevent the behavior. This generally leaves the child not thinking about how they were wrong and need to develop more appropriate behavior, but leaves them instead thinking about how unfair their parent is.

 Punishment generally teaches children to become better at not getting caught, rather than stopping the undesirable behavior.

 All behavior is purposeful. We don’t engage in behavior—responsible or not—for no reason. Everything a person does is that person’s best attempt to get at least one of his or her needs met in the best way available at that time. Children do not set out to be intentionally “bad.” The “bad” behaviors they engage in are helping them to meet a need they have, which is why they do it.

 Punishing children for attempting to get their needs met does not stop them from needing to get their needs met. If a child is attempting to get their need for freedom met by being with people of whom the parent doesn’t approve, that freedom need does not go away by punishing the child. In fact, often punishment restricts the freedom need even further, making it more likely that the child will engage in more severe and desperate ways of meeting their freedom need.

 For example, if the child is grounded for being with people the parent disapproves of, then they may end up disrespecting the grounding and attempting to go out anyway. Then, it will become necessary for the parent to become more severe in their punishment to attempt to gain control.

 The interesting thing about control is that we really don’t have control over our children. We cannot be with them 24/7 and thus, we really don’t know what they are doing when they are out of our site. We may think we are controlling them by grounding them, but are they sneaking out? If not, what happens when the grounding is lifted?

 Instead of punishing, let’s look at what it might be like to teach self-discipline instead. Let’s say your child has a habit of not abiding by his or her curfew. The child agrees to the curfew and then chronically comes home late espousing sincere apologies. Naturally, you want to ground them or make them come home even earlier the next time to make up for the infraction.

 What do you think would happen if you had a different conversation? What would happen if you attempted to learn what the child was doing that prevented them from being home on time? What would happen if you believed your child when he said he really lost track of time because he got so involved in the game of basketball he was playing with his friend? Your child tells you he meant to be home on time but simply lost track of time.

 If your goal is to help teach self-discipline, wouldn’t it make sense to help your child find a way to independently remind himself of his curfew. Perhaps he could get a watch with an alarm on it. Or if he has a cell phone, have him set the alarm on it with enough time for him to get home at the agreed upon time.

 Maybe in your conversation, you learn that your child no longer believes his curfew is appropriate. Perhaps he thinks because he is older, he should be permitted to stay out later. You may review your expectations and realize that he is right. The curfew you have set may be too early for his age. In this case, you might be willing to adjust the curfew to a later time as long as there is compliance with the new curfew.

 There are several solutions for every situation and remember every child and every set of circumstances is unique. Take the time to talk to your child to determine why they are breaking the rules and then help them figure out a way to honor the rules and still get what they need in their lives.

 When you do, you will have a much more harmonious home and your children will be learning self-discipline skills so that by the time they no longer live with you, you can be reasonably assured that they will be able to take care of themselves. After all, isn’t that what you REALLY want?

 

3 Ways To Inspire A Love Of Reading In Your Children

If your child is showing little interest in reading, there is hope. Sometimes moms and dads have to get sneaky, but you can still turn your child into a reader, even if he is reluctant about it.

1. The Early Bedtime trick.
One of my favorite ways to get my kids to read is something they hopefully will not figure out until they have kids of their own. Two words “Early Bedtime”.
You might be wondering how an increase in sleep can help your child to spend more time reading. Well, here's the trick. Set their bedtime for 45 minutes to an hour before they need their lights out.
Here's how our bedtime routine goes. The kids brush teeth and use the bathroom. Then I read them their stories. This is all done before their official bedtime. Then, I simply give them an option. I say “It's time for bed, now. Would you like lights out or would you like to stay up and read for a bit?”
Unless they are really tired, they'll always choose to read awhile. I do not have to beg nor manipulate them into reading. In fact, they think it's their idea and they have grown to love their chance for a 'late' bedtime. Then, I back off. I don't try to instruct them in any way, nor help them choose books. This is their time. They can choose whichever book they like and look at it however they like until I come in to kiss them goodnight and turn their lights out. Of course, if they want me to stay and listen to them read, I'm more than happy to comply. Try it. It works.

2. Summer reading incentives.
You can sign up for a summer reading program at pretty much any library in the country. If your local library does not have a summer reading program, then create one at home, with rewards for reading books. You can use a Monopoly (or Life) board and allow your child to move one space for each book he reads. Or if you want to have more fun, let him roll the dice each time he reads a book and have prizes available for passing certain points.
Make sure the rewards are something very desirable. If your child values time with you more than toys, then set a date together doing his favorite thing. If he values a certain toy, let him earn it. Or let him earn a chance to get out of his regular chores. Take him to his favorite restaurant. Just have fun with it and he will, too.

3. Read the book before you can see the movie.
This is a standard in our home. We won't go see any movie until we've read the book. Whether my husband and I read the book to the kids or they read it alone, each member of the family can go see the movie after the book is read. So, if your child is looking forward to seeing the next Chronicles of Narnia movie, the next Harry Potter movie or the next Lemony Snicket movie, they'll have to read the book first.

That’s it. Three easy ways to turn your child into a reader for life.

Family Values

A come back

 

Life is full of choices. The wrong one can change your life completely.

Words of Help

Lighthouse 2911 keeps me out of trouble and is keeping me away from some of the people I really don’t need to be with. Lighthouse 2911 has taught me a lot of things like staying away from people that are bad influences in my life and to think twice about something before even attempting to try to do it. It’s making me more of a gentleman than I have been in my past years of being on probation. I believe if it wasn’t for Lighthouse 2911, I would be locked up somewhere or in worse trouble than I already am. DB

Lighthouse 2911 News Story

A good friend is like a mirror.. they help you see the best things about yourself  when you can't see them in yourself.

A COME BACK

 

Life is full of choices. The wrong one can change your life completely.

LH2911 Video

LH2911

TRAINING

True forgiveness is far greater than holding a grudge.

What I learned and/or What I Like About LIGHTHOUSE 2911

Lighthouse 2911 has taught me about the consequences of being stupid and bored and then getting into trouble afterwards.  We have watched a bunch of videos of people in prison and TYC and JDC and they all said that If they could take it back that they would so…..  Your actions might not seem stupid or ridiculous at the time, but you will realize shortly after you do it and you get in trouble with the law that being bored was not worth it.  And I love the Kool-aid.     JM

Top 10 Issues Facing our Youth Today

10. Single Parent Households The problems begin at home.

 Since the 1950s, the number of single parent homes has consistently increased to the point of catastrophe. Today, 14 million single parents are responsible for 28 million children. Raising a child is difficult enough in a two parent home, especially in tough economic conditions. The situation is even direr when there is only one parent. Economically, a single parent is likely to bring less income home. This equates to fewer opportunities for such vital necessities as education. Trying to make ends meet also takes time – time that is spent away from children who need a parent’s guiding/influence. Absent a parent’s diligent guidance, children become subject to higher dropout rates, higher risk of dangerous sexual behaviors and pregnancies, higher chances of drug and alcohol abuse –etc. It truly takes a village to raise a child.                                                     

9. Drug/Alcohol Abuse

There was a time in cinematic history where virtually every actor/actress was portrayed on screen with a cigarette in hand. Smoking, it was implied, was cool. As a result everyone was doing it, including kids. Well, as awareness to the danger of smoking increased, “cool” images of smoking disappeared. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about drugs and alcohol. These vices are staples in everyday media. Simply, drinking and using drugs is shown as being cool. The numbers bear the tale. 21% of high school seniors say they get high and 41% of the same group report drinking alcohol. Our kids are literally moving around in an intoxicated daze. Immature behavior is then amplified due to being under the influence. Drunk driving, poor grades and attendance, anti-social and violent behavior and the list goes on.

8. Growing up too Fast


There was a time when kids enjoyed being kids.Today, even at the earliest of ages, children are partaking in adult activities with serious consequences. Similar to what we see with alcohol and drugs, sex is a very popular and portrayed subject matter. The movies, TV, the internet, essentially everywhere a kid turns he or she is bombarded with sexual suggestions. In fact, there are entire TV series marketed directly to kids dealing with sex – the egregious being The Secret Lives of an American Teenager and Teen Mom, to name two. Music is a culprit as well. Songs have always had sexual innuendos, but at least “back in the day” you had to be old enough to understand them. Today, it’s all about “How low can you go” and “baby let me sex you up.” Kids are having sex as early as 10 and 11, with teen pregnancies increasingly on the rise. The concept of childhood is literally being wiped out.

7. Violence in Schools

A child’s education is the foundation from which he or she will be able to go forth out into the world and build a life. Schools play a major role in this endeavor, and therefore it is reasonable to expect that these places of learning would be safe havens for the children while they are preparing for adulthood. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. In many instances, especially in low income, urban settings, schools can be a war zone. We are not talking about minor bullying, but rather serious violence. Consider that in the last decade 284 kids were murdered due to school violence – these were shootings, stabbings, fighting and suicides. Growing up is tough enough without having to be worried about being killed while going to math class.

6. Materialism

We live in a society that promotes materialism and so we perpetuate this particular malady by instilling bad habits into our children. We teach our children that the measure of success and happiness in life is how much stuff you have. Kids naturally want things –especially if their friends have something similar. Unfortunately, there seems to be little restraint on accompanying guidance as we go about this. Essentially, we provide our kids with whatever they want that is within our financial ability to do so. The concept of “earning” what you get or the idea that something “you don’t need” seem to have been lost and discarded. Is there really any wonder why the average adult is $15,000 in debt at any given time? We have a mentality of getting what we want and when we want it that has been ingrained in us since childhood. The unfortunate result is that there are devastating consequences for such continued behavior later in life.

5. Obesity

Our kids are fat and getting fatter. Recent numbers show that 20% of American children are obese. Not chubby –OBESE! Video games, TV, the internet and fast food are partly to blame. Kids are spending more time sitting in front of a TV/computer screen than running around outside. This sedentary lifestyle has consequences. Socially, it’s no secret that overweight kids are going to be subject to ridicule from their peers – it’s sad, but nevertheless true. This can result in such issues as low self-esteem, depression, etc. Then there are the health concerns. High blood pressure, diabetes and other maladies that is associated with obesity. Psychologically and physically, obesity is an issue that can be resolved with a simple increase in activity and awareness.

4. Education Disparity

Education is important.Few people would dispute this well regarded fact. A good education (in comparison with a bad one) will provide a child with an increased chance of taking advantage of opportunities to be successful in life. Unfortunately, some people have it better than other. This is not an issue of just one school being better than another school. Rather we are talking about whole classes of American children being denied a proper education that will prepare them to compete in a job market with their peers and have the same access to the American Dream. Disparity in educational quality is delineated by race and financial status. If you live in a poor neighborhood or are a minority, there is a good chance that the schools you attend are lacking many necessities. While Asians and Whites enjoy high graduating rates, African American and Latinos continue to lag behind. Not surprisingly, because job opportunities are lessen for dropouts, these two groups have the highest incarceration rates.


3. Shifting Economy


 America used to sustain itself with making its own products through manufacturing and then turning around and selling those products. The economy is shifting to more of a service industry versus a manufacturing industry. In order to cut costs and keep product prices down companies are forced to outsource manufacturing to other countries. Other countries can produce products at much lower labor costs. Some companies have even begun to outsource call center jobs to keep labor costs down. Not only is America now having lower paying service jobs than the average blue-collar job with a sustainable income but our economy is now a global economy. For example, what happens in Japan or Iraq can drastically alter prices for our stock exchanges, gas/oil, and many other products. What exactly does this mean for our youth? The youth cannot graduate or even dropout of school without going through the pains of a low-income job. The jobs offered with no experience pay very little with very little room for pay increases. In fact, the competition to get a promotion can be fierce. In the past, your high school senior could graduate and go work at the local factory for the rest of his or her life and make a good living. They would not necessarily need to have a college education to survive. In fact, youth today will graduate from college with multiple degrees and still cannot find work that pays enough to sustain a decent lifestyle.


2. Poverty

The federal poverty level is $22,050 for a family of four. This equates to 21% of all children (15 million children) are considered in poverty. Just to cover basic expenses for a family of four you would need to have a salary of $45,000. This means that nearly 50% of our children are living in poverty. Half of those kids receive no government assistance because their parents earned more than $22,050 that year. According to the National Center for Children in Poverty (NCCP), that poverty is the single greatest threat to children’s well-being. Poverty impedes learning and contributes to social and behavioral problems. And guess what? There is no income to counteract these problems. Mommy cannot afford a tutor or Daddy cannot afford a counselor. There is a huge opportunity for society to stop being so materialistic and in turn poverty wouldn’t be such an issue because most children will all have the same things –things they need instead of what they want. This would decrease violence in schools because fewer kids would be teased.

1. Erosion of National Pride/Identity

If every year the Olympics were held, this probably wouldn’t be a problem. This list is indicative of the fact that America (like any nation) has problems. The issue at hand is collective though amongst the people affected about how to deal with them. Unfortunately most folks tend to focus on their self and not the whole. We see these problems as affecting “them” and not “me/us” When we hear that America’s children are the fattest among Western nations, this doesn’t sting. When we learn that America’s children lay educationally behind other industrialized nations, we don’t cringe. There is very little sense of collective identity of people, as Americans. This is a result of our children not being properly educated and guided. There was a time when every child would begin the school day by standing and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Children were taught the significance of the 4th of July (besides fireworks). These practices are long gone and so is our sense of common destiny. With so many diverse nationalities, races, and ethnic groups that comprise America, the one common bond we all have with one another is that we are Americans.