Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment
with their Latin roots? Punishment implies inflicting pain, while discipline
means to teach. Parents who use punishment are missing important opportunities
to teach their children better behaviors and help them self-discipline.
Children can actually be taught responsible behaviors to help them get the
things they want without breaking the rules.
However, when parents are only interested in compliance,
they often impose strict and severe consequences to stop or prevent the
behavior. This generally leaves the child not thinking about how they were
wrong and need to develop more appropriate behavior, but leaves them instead
thinking about how unfair their parent is.
Punishment generally teaches children to become better at
not getting caught, rather than stopping the undesirable behavior.
All behavior is purposeful. We don’t engage in
behavior—responsible or not—for no reason. Everything a person does is that
person’s best attempt to get at least one of his or her needs met in the best
way available at that time. Children do not set out to be intentionally “bad.”
The “bad” behaviors they engage in are helping them to meet a need they have,
which is why they do it.
Punishing children for attempting to get their needs met
does not stop them from needing to get their needs met. If a child is
attempting to get their need for freedom met by being with people of whom the
parent doesn’t approve, that freedom need does not go away by punishing the
child. In fact, often punishment restricts the freedom need even further,
making it more likely that the child will engage in more severe and desperate
ways of meeting their freedom need.
For example, if the child is grounded for being with people
the parent disapproves of, then they may end up disrespecting the grounding and
attempting to go out anyway. Then, it will become necessary for the parent to
become more severe in their punishment to attempt to gain control.
The interesting thing about control is that we really don’t
have control over our children. We cannot be with them 24/7 and thus, we really
don’t know what they are doing when they are out of our site. We may think we
are controlling them by grounding them, but are they sneaking out? If not, what
happens when the grounding is lifted?
Instead of punishing, let’s look at what it might be like to
teach self-discipline instead. Let’s say your child has a habit of not abiding
by his or her curfew. The child agrees to the curfew and then chronically comes
home late espousing sincere apologies. Naturally, you want to ground them or
make them come home even earlier the next time to make up for the infraction.
What do you think would happen if you had a different
conversation? What would happen if you attempted to learn what the child was
doing that prevented them from being home on time? What would happen if you
believed your child when he said he really lost track of time because he got so
involved in the game of basketball he was playing with his friend? Your child
tells you he meant to be home on time but simply lost track of time.
If your goal is to help teach self-discipline, wouldn’t it
make sense to help your child find a way to independently remind himself of his
curfew. Perhaps he could get a watch with an alarm on it. Or if he has a cell
phone, have him set the alarm on it with enough time for him to get home at the
agreed upon time.
Maybe in your conversation, you learn that your child no
longer believes his curfew is appropriate. Perhaps he thinks because he is
older, he should be permitted to stay out later. You may review your
expectations and realize that he is right. The curfew you have set may be too
early for his age. In this case, you might be willing to adjust the curfew to a
later time as long as there is compliance with the new curfew.
There are several solutions for every situation and remember
every child and every set of circumstances is unique. Take the time to talk to
your child to determine why they are breaking the rules and then help them
figure out a way to honor the rules and still get what they need in their
lives.
When you do, you will have a much more harmonious home and
your children will be learning self-discipline skills so that by the time they
no longer live with you, you can be reasonably assured that they will be able
to take care of themselves. After all, isn’t that what you REALLY want?
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