There is much literature on how to parent challenging
children these days. Unfortunately much of that literature does not typically
address the child with special parenting needs and a special parenting
understanding. A child that has been diagnosed with reactive attachment
disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, or even depression, requires an
understanding not of the behavior itself, but rather of the underlying dynamics
driving the behavior. Take for example the analogy of an iceberg. Typically when
we refer to an iceberg we are referring to what we see above the surface.
However, 90% of every iceberg is invisible, lying under the surface. What you
consider to be an iceberg is really only the tip. It’s an overwhelming thought
when considering how enormous an iceberg is above the surface. Imagine the
other 90% lurking underneath.
Negative behaviors demonstrated by children are much the
same. Whereas we may attempt to remove an iceberg by hacking away from the top
down, we will only be spending endless time and energy focusing on the smallest
aspect of the iceberg. When we encourage parents to only focus on alleviating
behavior through simple behavior modification charts, boot camp tactics, or
logical consequences, we are actually missing the most important part of the
behavior. Typically a focus just on the behavior may eliminate the behavior for
a while to only see it return another day with greater intensity. Specific
parenting steps can be taken to effectively help reduce problem behaviors in a rapid
period of time. The steps will not be easy to implement, however with a firm
resolve to stay the course the effectiveness of each approach is guaranteed to
be effective.
The Stress Model
Stress plays a vital role in everything that we do. As an
internal experience we rely on stress daily to stay alive, and engage the
outside world. In addition, we rely on stress to fight illness, digest food,
and recover from difficult times. Just to laugh is to experience a state of
stress. In considering parenting techniques for severe behavior we will be
relying on a theory of human behavior called the Stress Model. The Stress Model
is a very simple theory of behavior that says, “All behavior arises from a
state of stress and in between the behavior and the stress is the presence of
one of two primary emotions: Love or Fear. It is through the expression,
processing, and understanding of the emotion that we can calm the stress and
diminish the behavior.
Very important point:
There are only two primary emotions --love and fear. Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a
feeling that is secondary to the bodily experience of fear. A fear experience
can occur through any of the sensory pathways. Through what you see, hear,
touch, smell, taste, and even the temperature of your body. The experience of
both stress and fear is cellular. It occurs unconsciously. You won’t always
know what causes fear or stress. If you are seeing anger, rage, jealousy, and
more it is arising from fear, rather than the anger. Love is the space between
two people. It is always present and surrounds us each day. The only thing that
keeps us out of love is our fear. Since the presence of love is natural, it is
up to us to put fear aside and step into the presence of love. You may have
heard it said, “Perfect love casts out all fear,” or “Love and fear cannot
co-exist.” We have calmly come to perceive as love is only fear in disguise.
Most often times we do not see this because we fail to see our own fear the
majority of the time. When talking about the specific severe behaviors, it will
be important to remember the fear and stress they create in the parent first.
If you try to overcome fear by creating more fear, you only make fear greater.
Action exercise:
Try to see fear in actions between you and your child for
one full week. You’ll be amazed.
Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.
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