Parenting Question
I have a parenting question regarding the challenges I have
with a strong willed child. The challenge we have is with our 12 year old. When corrected she will argue her point of
view until the bitter end. Our point is
never taken into account and it usually ends in a long drawn out yelling
match. If you don't agree with her point
of view, she doesn't feel heard nor understood and then becomes defensive and
does not even listen to our side. We say
black, she says white. My parenting question is how can we prevent family yelling
matches and resolve issues with control and authority?
Sincerely,
Penny - One Tired Step Mom
Positive Parenting Advice from Family Counselor Kelly Nault
on Dealing with an Angry Kid
Dear Tired Step Mom,
Being a step mom offers a host of challenges and I applaud
you for taking the time to find a solution to your family stress. The key to
solving conflict with an angry kid like your daughter is to understand what she
really wants and give it to her. And what an angry child really wants may just
surprise you. Transforming an Angry Kid with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
An angry kid either wants greater control in their life or
respect from their parents (and often times both!). The more respect you give
your child (especially children approaching the teenage years), the more
respect they will give you.
Here I have used the word R.E.S.P.E.C.T as an acronym to
give you some commonsense parenting tips that can solve the conflict in your
home quickly.
R Respect Your Child – Always treat your child, as you want
to be treated. This is sometimes easier said than done but essential to your
success. Children model what they see. Even if your child has provoked you,
falling into parenting traps such as yelling or using harsh punishment only
teaches your child to lash out and disrespect you more.
The simplest way to determine if you are being respectful is
to ask yourself: “Would I use this tone and say what I am saying to a friend or
acquaintance?” If the answer is “no” (and you’re pretty sure that they would
recycle you for a new friend), it’s time to change your tone.
E Expect Respect in Return – We always treat children how to
treat us. When children are disrespectful it is important to respond in a
respectful but firm way that lets them know you will not be walked over. Say
something like, “I can see you are angry right now. I am happy to listen to you
once you use a respectful tone with me. When you change your tone come and get
me as I really want to hear what you have to say.” If they continue being disrespectful,
keep your mouth shut, walk away and wait for them to come to you in a
respectful manner before discussing any further.
S Support Your Child – Support your child by having enough
faith in their ability to learn from their mistakes. Refrain from “I told you
so” comments and don’t spend a lot of time (if any) pointing out what they did
wrong. Once things have calmed down ask them “How did that work for you?” “What
did you really want?” and “How could you make it better next time?”
P Positive Attitude – Remaining positive helps more than we
often know to keep the atmosphere in our home supportive. Do what you need to
do to keep yourself positive by getting enough sleep (sleep deprivation can
turn us into a raving Godzilla), do things you love to do and spend quality fun
time with each of your children.
E Encourage a cooling off period in the heat of the moment –
Continuing a fight while you are angry will never solve a fight. When feeling
angry always take a short cooling off period so you don’t escalate the fight
and say something you will regret later on.
C Create Family Rules for Fighting – When things are calm,
create family rules for fighting and post them in special places around the
house (even put one in your wallet and in the car). Include the following: what
each family member will do during their cool down period to make themselves
feel better, an inspirational oath or prayer that you agree to read out loud
after every one has cooled down (before discussing the issue) and specific ways
each of you will listen to one another. To get best results create this
document as a family.
T Train Your Child – Good parenting means taking the time to
show your kids how to do things on their own. Give them more responsibility
over time. With a hectic schedule, it can be easier and quicker to do the task
for your kids rather than taking the time to teach them how to do it for
themselves. Training is what gives our children a chance to develop essential
life skills, gain self-confidence, and ultimately feel respected.
How to Ask for an Apology from an Angry Child
When we do another wrong, apologies are the path to healing.
Apologies are precious commodities that are not to be thrown around lightly in
conversation, and not to be wasted during a heated discussion. In times of
conflict, we may say something like, “I expect an apology young lady!” in a
tone that means “NOW!” But in reality this is only a verbal punishment. The
time for apologies is when all parties are calmed down enough to give, hear and
feel them.
You can absolutely ask for an apology from your child but
for any apology to be effective it needs to have flexible terms. A request for
an apology should sound like this: “I would like an apology when you are ready
to give it.” This simple statement is honest, clear and respectful. Parents
aren’t the only ones deserving of an apology. It is important for moms and dads
to apologize when they have messed up too.
Your family is fortunate to have you as their step-mom. By
remembering that your angry child is simply crying out for more understanding
and more respect you can solve the conflict that has you so frustrated. Give
them respect, expect respect in return and watch your child’s behavior change
for the better.
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