4 Parenting Styles

Every grandmother and grandfather will tell you hilarious stories of their children when they were first born. And for every funny and touching story they have, they will be able to tell you another for every hardship they encountered. Parenting is something that is done in many different ways by each parent. The following are four general styles employed by parents.

  Authority: Authoritarian parents rule on just that: authority. Commands are given to children that they must follow regardless of the circumstances. If these commands are not followed, harsh punishment will ensue. These parents do not welcome feedback from their children. In fact, it is met with severe punishment. The children tend to be quiet and unhappy. They have more of a fear than a love for their parents. Male children have trouble dealing with anger and female children have trouble facing adversity due to their heavily structured life where nothing ever changes.
 

Indulgent: Indulgent parents tend to be described as lenient. They allow immature and childish behavior. These parents expect the children to learn from their mistakes and to fend for themselves in most times of need. These parents tend to be democratic and allow for feedback from their children on issues. They will hear both sides of an argument and usually make a compromise. Indulgent parents usually avoid confrontation with their children by all means, but do tend to be more involved and emotionally closer to their children.
 

Authoritative: Authoritative parents are a combination of the two styles previously mentioned. They are the happy medium. While expecting proper behavior from their children, they welcome feedback and questioning on certain issues. They’re able to demand things of their children but are also able to respond to what their child says, questions and requests. These children tend to be the happiest, most confident and self assured of all the mentioned parenting styles. It is very difficult to be a purely authoritative parent.
 

Passive: Passive parenting is being completely uninvolved. These parents may never be home due to immaturity, work or the like. These children are usually raised by grandparents, older siblings, babysitters or themselves. There is no parental involvement at all.

  We wish you many happy stories!

4 Blocks to Building a Lifelong Relationship with Your Daughter

As with every generation, mothers and daughters share a special bond.  Though one is not quite a woman and one, in many ways, is still no longer a girl – they each bear the qualities of each other.  Little girls want to grow up fast, and dear sweet moms want to regain their youth.  Mothers also know how important it is to be a good role model for their daughters.
So, with only the best of intentions, moms and daughters travel their journeys through life.  It is every mother’s hope that their daughter grow to be strong, independent, caring, and giving.  A mother’s dream is to enjoy the fruits of her labor (no pun intended) …to know that her daughter is happy, confident, and kind to all.  There are many detours and roadblocks along the way, but you can overcome them using these four building blocks to obtain and maintain a relationship with your daughter that will last a lifetime!  Because of your efforts in developing this relationship now, not only will you enjoy a close unique friendship with your daughter, you will also pass on to her the wonderful gift of future strong relationships with her own children.  Really, what can be more important and rewarding than that?  Not much, it ranks right up there at the top!
Life is based on building blocks.  Relationships, too, are based on the same.  Given the tools, you can build yours strong…strong to last the bumps in the road and the trials of life.  A strong foundation provides the anchors to weather any storm.  It’s never too late to begin.  With each new day comes renewal, forgiveness, and a positive step towards building once again. 
  BLOCK #1…TRUST.  Without trust, any relationship doesn’t stand a chance!  Trust often is confused as a “given”.  A God given right!  As a loving mother, your daughter has grown to trust YOU.  She knows you will pick her up when you say you will.  She knows that she is cared for and provided for by YOU.  Your daughter also knows your love is unconditional and that regardless of her doings, you’ll be there.  She might get yelled at, but she TRUSTS you above all.  Realize that YOU have earned her trust through word, credibility, and actions. 
How about her perception of earning trust?  Each young lady must understand that TRUST is earned.  The same way YOU earned her trust in YOU!   Ask yourself:  Why is it that sometimes we feel the need to accredit our children with attributes that should be earned?  Our daughters need to understand that trust is patient.  The small steps/small rewards process is a journey to gaining their independence.  They need to take responsibility for earning the trust, and guarding it dearly, as one of the most valuable aspects of your shared relationship.  When you, as her mother, make this important, it becomes important.

 There are five steps to establishing trust between a mother and a daughter.  Each is important and well guarded.  They include:  HONESTY; AWARENESS; FOLLOW UP; CONSEQUENCE; and finally, PRIVILEGE.  Knowing each of them and how to apply these steps to a working relationship is key in maintaining a loving relationship.
 
BLOCK #2…COMMUNICATION.  Funny when our children are born, we seem so in tuned to their needs.  We know the difference between a hungry cry and a mad cry.  We can sense the slight mood change and worry for hours that there is a cold coming on.  As our little girls grow, we teach them to talk.  We repeat sounds and clap for joy when they say “ball” and “Mama”.  We are elated to know that our little girls are on their way.  We pay close attention to all of their needs and kiss them softly and quietly goodnight. 
Just because we teach language, an ensemble of “sounds” does not mean we teach communication.  Communication as defined by Webster is: an act of transmitting OR an exchange of information or opinions.  Think about this, “an act of transmitting” which can mean giving orders, commands, and/or instructions.  This of course is necessary at times.  It means we mean what we say – and do it!  No questions, no discussion.  This form of communication is certainly acceptable and appropriate at times.
  Taking the other side of the definition, “an exchange of information” we understand this to be a form of exploring another’s opinion, thoughts, and logic.  This too is very important.  As a matter of fact, this is the foundation of effective communication involving two people. 
When does it start?  As our girls learn their words at the age of 2, they also begin to learn communication skills.  These skills are mostly taught by our physical reactions and not our verbal capabilities.
Physical reactions involve the delivery of our words, the tone of our voices, and the actions of our body.  It is not about getting through – it’s about logical reasoning and openness to understanding another human being.  Since your daughter has already achieved a level of trust in you, she will embrace your skills of communication if delivered in a manner that support her best interests without threatening her own desires.  YOU, as the parent, are in control at all times.  YOU just need the tools to help educate your daughter on the ways of the world.  With these tools and exercises, you are able to begin to lay the strong foundation of open-minded, free exchange of information without losing your position of authority.  Remember communication can be a “two way street” or a single command.  Your choice, your control.
  BLOCK #3…EFFECTIVE LISTENING.  Now that we have defined communication, I urge you…don’t spend too much time talking.  Teach by actions as well! How?  It’s easy…(once you understand how). Spend a lot of time listening!!!  Effective listening provides an avenue showing insight into your daughter’s life.  There is so much you can learn by listening and observing.  Listening not only involves what your daughter says, it involves what others say too.  This includes her friends, teachers, enemies and anyone she has contact with.  I’m not suggesting you spy or have “reports back”.  Just listen – you’ll learn more than you can imagine.  Listening is a skill.  Creating environments of opportunity is what you want to do.  For example…Car pools are painful to be sure, but when you pick up a bunch of her friends, keep the music to a soft level -  don’t talk – just listen!  The girls will be open with their chatter and you’ll be able to interpret not only the quality of her friendships, but the collective views of the group.  This can be very valuable in future conversations you may have with your daughter.  It’s also a great way to get to know her friends!  Subtle suggestions from your side will have a better impact if you are more informed...remember what you learned regarding communication…Since your daughter has already achieved a level of trust in you, she will embrace your skills of communication if delivered in a manner that support her best interests without threatening her own desires.  YOU, as the parent, are in control at all times.
 

BLOCK #4…LETTING GO.  Letting go is the ongoing process we all deal with.  When, how, just enough, not too much.  Knowing when to allow your daughter to find her way and knowing when to hold her hand and guide her.  There will be times when your heart breaks for her, when you want to  take her pain, her place, her path – but the same lessons we’ve learned, so too shall they. We realize we can’t (and should not) always shield her from everything.  If you think about it, looking back on our own life – some of the most painful situations taught us the most powerful life lessons.  Whether that was empathy and compassion for others, or our ability to forgive and move on; whatever crisis we face we have a choice – We can choose to be “bitter or better”.  It’s a choice.  In being there for your daughter, while letting go you provide the strength she’ll need to stand on her own.  Through pain we grow and through growth we become whole.  Sometimes there are no words, sometimes silence and solidarity speak louder than any great speech.  If you have built upon the three previous blocks, letting go will be a natural process of love.  There is no fear where love dwells. Your goal is accomplished – you have the strong foundation for a lifelong, healthy relationship with your daughter.
Being there involves just that…being there as a friend, a parent, a role model, a mother.  Learning today how to build and enjoy a mother/daughter relationship is the best gift you will ever give to both yourself and your daughter.  This is a gift that can be passed down from generation to generation, building stronger and deeper each time. 
Learning about enriching your relationship with your daughter is one of the most valuable educations you will ever do for yourself.  The building blocks can show you the way.  From beautiful baby girl in your arms, through the turbulent teens, the age of independence and self discovery, to watching her gain total confident independence.  Your reward is knowing that your job of parenting has now become your fruit of friendship.

Discipline Versus Punishment

Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment with their Latin roots? Punishment implies inflicting pain, while discipline means to teach. Parents who use punishment are missing important opportunities to teach their children better behaviors and help them self-discipline. Children can actually be taught responsible behaviors to help them get the things they want without breaking the rules.

 However, when parents are only interested in compliance, they often impose strict and severe consequences to stop or prevent the behavior. This generally leaves the child not thinking about how they were wrong and need to develop more appropriate behavior, but leaves them instead thinking about how unfair their parent is.

 Punishment generally teaches children to become better at not getting caught, rather than stopping the undesirable behavior.

 All behavior is purposeful. We don’t engage in behavior—responsible or not—for no reason. Everything a person does is that person’s best attempt to get at least one of his or her needs met in the best way available at that time. Children do not set out to be intentionally “bad.” The “bad” behaviors they engage in are helping them to meet a need they have, which is why they do it.

 Punishing children for attempting to get their needs met does not stop them from needing to get their needs met. If a child is attempting to get their need for freedom met by being with people of whom the parent doesn’t approve, that freedom need does not go away by punishing the child. In fact, often punishment restricts the freedom need even further, making it more likely that the child will engage in more severe and desperate ways of meeting their freedom need.

 For example, if the child is grounded for being with people the parent disapproves of, then they may end up disrespecting the grounding and attempting to go out anyway. Then, it will become necessary for the parent to become more severe in their punishment to attempt to gain control.

 The interesting thing about control is that we really don’t have control over our children. We cannot be with them 24/7 and thus, we really don’t know what they are doing when they are out of our site. We may think we are controlling them by grounding them, but are they sneaking out? If not, what happens when the grounding is lifted?

 Instead of punishing, let’s look at what it might be like to teach self-discipline instead. Let’s say your child has a habit of not abiding by his or her curfew. The child agrees to the curfew and then chronically comes home late espousing sincere apologies. Naturally, you want to ground them or make them come home even earlier the next time to make up for the infraction.

 What do you think would happen if you had a different conversation? What would happen if you attempted to learn what the child was doing that prevented them from being home on time? What would happen if you believed your child when he said he really lost track of time because he got so involved in the game of basketball he was playing with his friend? Your child tells you he meant to be home on time but simply lost track of time.

 If your goal is to help teach self-discipline, wouldn’t it make sense to help your child find a way to independently remind himself of his curfew. Perhaps he could get a watch with an alarm on it. Or if he has a cell phone, have him set the alarm on it with enough time for him to get home at the agreed upon time.

 Maybe in your conversation, you learn that your child no longer believes his curfew is appropriate. Perhaps he thinks because he is older, he should be permitted to stay out later. You may review your expectations and realize that he is right. The curfew you have set may be too early for his age. In this case, you might be willing to adjust the curfew to a later time as long as there is compliance with the new curfew.

 There are several solutions for every situation and remember every child and every set of circumstances is unique. Take the time to talk to your child to determine why they are breaking the rules and then help them figure out a way to honor the rules and still get what they need in their lives.

 When you do, you will have a much more harmonious home and your children will be learning self-discipline skills so that by the time they no longer live with you, you can be reasonably assured that they will be able to take care of themselves. After all, isn’t that what you REALLY want?

 

3 Ways To Inspire A Love Of Reading In Your Children

If your child is showing little interest in reading, there is hope. Sometimes moms and dads have to get sneaky, but you can still turn your child into a reader, even if he is reluctant about it.

1. The Early Bedtime trick.
One of my favorite ways to get my kids to read is something they hopefully will not figure out until they have kids of their own. Two words “Early Bedtime”.
You might be wondering how an increase in sleep can help your child to spend more time reading. Well, here's the trick. Set their bedtime for 45 minutes to an hour before they need their lights out.
Here's how our bedtime routine goes. The kids brush teeth and use the bathroom. Then I read them their stories. This is all done before their official bedtime. Then, I simply give them an option. I say “It's time for bed, now. Would you like lights out or would you like to stay up and read for a bit?”
Unless they are really tired, they'll always choose to read awhile. I do not have to beg nor manipulate them into reading. In fact, they think it's their idea and they have grown to love their chance for a 'late' bedtime. Then, I back off. I don't try to instruct them in any way, nor help them choose books. This is their time. They can choose whichever book they like and look at it however they like until I come in to kiss them goodnight and turn their lights out. Of course, if they want me to stay and listen to them read, I'm more than happy to comply. Try it. It works.

2. Summer reading incentives.
You can sign up for a summer reading program at pretty much any library in the country. If your local library does not have a summer reading program, then create one at home, with rewards for reading books. You can use a Monopoly (or Life) board and allow your child to move one space for each book he reads. Or if you want to have more fun, let him roll the dice each time he reads a book and have prizes available for passing certain points.
Make sure the rewards are something very desirable. If your child values time with you more than toys, then set a date together doing his favorite thing. If he values a certain toy, let him earn it. Or let him earn a chance to get out of his regular chores. Take him to his favorite restaurant. Just have fun with it and he will, too.

3. Read the book before you can see the movie.
This is a standard in our home. We won't go see any movie until we've read the book. Whether my husband and I read the book to the kids or they read it alone, each member of the family can go see the movie after the book is read. So, if your child is looking forward to seeing the next Chronicles of Narnia movie, the next Harry Potter movie or the next Lemony Snicket movie, they'll have to read the book first.

That’s it. Three easy ways to turn your child into a reader for life.

Family Values